I can remember the very moment in my now 31-year marriage when the lightbulb turned on about the power I have with my words. Over a topic about which I was emotional and adamant, rather than leaning in to a reactive tendency to manipulate my position, I took a deep breath, opened my heart and kindly asked my husband, “Why is this so important to you?” At first, I had to force these words out—to shut down my fears and the “it's all about me” train so I could truly listen. Yet ever so quickly I knew these words were right and golden; they tasted so good in my mouth after I said them.
The shell between us began to soften, and from the gentle quiet we created, he reached inside and shared a gem of truth he had never shared before. What could have burst into a stubborn ego debate become a warm bath for two souls. I then assured him that whatever direction we take, we will do what is best for the two of us as a whole. To build or destroy—this is the choice we have with our words every day, the watershed moments we face in those often undetectable pauses before we open our mouths (or keep them closed).
To be honest, the power and responsibility of our words is both scary and utterly amazing to me. I know I’m not alone as I watch from across the therapy couch how in a nano-second two calm and smiling beloveds can morph into wildebeests before my eyes. As my spiritual teacher, Rav Berg, would often say, “Put two people in a room and you already need a miracle.” Such is the nature of our necessary but pesky ego defense system. Especially when we’ve experienced trauma.
The truth is, in which I have full certainty, that every human being organically possesses a wise and whole essence, which can grow more and more dominant—with desire and under the right conditions. With some consciousness and structure to shift their words and tone, I am continually inspired to see couples turn their dark frenzy, right in the session, back into the simple care and love they feel for one another (or once felt).
This change of heart and healing that can unfold is part of what I like to call Conscious Communication—a practice that helps put a fence around our often unconscious tendency toward defensiveness and manipulation. Fundamental to this approach is a shift in mindset that our closest relationships do in fact require great effort on the front end regarding how we communicate and the extent to which we need to go within to work on and understand ourselves. This was wisdom that I didn’t know that I didn’t know in my younger years. Becoming conscious and intentional in our communication is one of the most important crafts we can ever undertake, which of course requires practice. Lots of practice.
A CONSCIOUS COMMUNICATION PRACTICE
The 4 steps to the practice include the WHY, WHEN, WHETHER and WHAT to say—and are particularly relevant for topics that will likely be difficult for the other to hear or that awaken a strong emotional trigger, whether that be in a romantic, family, friendship or professional relationship.
Let’s get started. Please keep in mind that sticking to the steps increase our success in building harmony. For sure, sometimes we need to jump in to step 4 when it’s time sensitive and we’ve had more practice with steps 1-3.
Step 1: GET TO KNOW YOUR WHY
This critical step is one we most frequently miss, either from lack of awareness or a common tendency to avoid. Before approaching someone, it’s key to understand yourself and the core reasons you feel the desire to approach this person. Without getting grounded with ourselves first, like a tree with no roots, our words will lack the power to grow something strong and beautiful. It’s essential that we start with being honest with ourselves.
Start with a pause. Allow yourself to get quiet, pull your energy internal. Ask yourself (better yet journal in response to) questions such as:
What is this situation triggering in me?
If I didn’t judge myself at all, what I notice I’m really feeling is ...
What negative belief system might be at play here?
What do I truly desire to accomplish by speaking with this person? For myself and in the relationship?
How might I be seeking someone else to validate something I really desire to validate for myself?
What is my lesson here?
What might I be taking personally, when it’s not.
Step 2: TIMING IS EVERYTHING
Wait till you’re not emotionally reactive! A thousand percent. Sometimes I wait weeks till it’s the right time with my spouse. The ego lies to us when it demands we talk about it NOW.
Do your best to gain insight into your own lesson. This keeps you from giving your power away to the behavior of someone else. See step 1.
Make sure you will be in private, not in front of the kids, friends, family, coworkers, etc.
Ask permission, e.g., “Is this a good time to talk about something I feel will be good for our relationship to grow stronger? If not please let me know when would be a good time.”
Communicate in rounds, like a ping pong match, each allowing the other to express but not overwhelm with too many words.
Step 3: WHETHER TO EVEN SAY SOMETHING
Consider whether you even need to address the situation. Not avoiding, we all have the valuable option of doing the work on ourselves and then letting go to allow the forces of life to unfold along with you. I’ve lived the magic of this when things work out better than you could have ever orchestrated.
If you’re tendency is to avoid conflict and have fear of the intimacy that comes with real talk, sometimes it’s good to communicate just to break the fear. Of course keep in mind steps 1 and 2 and don’t think that choosing to wait or let it go always means being passive or suppression.
Step 4: THE WHAT AND HOW TO SAY IT
The most important decision to make regarding the WHAT AND HOW of your words is from what desire are you going to lead? Your ego’s desire or your soul’s? This is one of the most vital teachings I’ve received from studying the wisdom of Kabbalah. What part of us we lead from will feed back in kind into our lives. So what do you want to feed? Your desire to win or your desire to be close? Your desire for instant gratification or your desire for inner power? Your desire to get your way or your desire for unity. Your desire to share or your desire to take? Your desire to destroy or your desire to build?
Once you decide you want to feed the desire of unity and personal power, you can begin to use the free-will muscle you’ve been given as your birth right and open your heart to feel the other person. From this place, you will be better equipped to:
Channel the language and words the other person can hear best. I always like to open with how important our relationship is and that’s why I’m bringing this conversation up.
Come from a heart of appreciation and seeing the good, and to point that out.
Not be afraid to say how sorry you are and how much you care for their happiness.
Really listen. Hear them out. (Unless they are abusive.)
Create greater harmony and joy in your relationship and your self.
There’s a methodology called Clean Talk — which takes the use of I statements to the next level. Using the 4 components of Data, Feeling, Judgment (discernment) and Want this communication approach is both direct and sensitive and helps to eliminate our ego’s sneaky tendency to manipulate and not directly own our own needs and desires. It’s not an easy shift to make but again, with practice, the power in our communication can drastically grow.
Here’s an Example from an article that compares Clean Talk to its sister approach Non violent Communication. From Clean Talk:
“When I hear you say you can’t go out to dinner with me tonight because you’re too busy with work (Data), I feel sad (Feeling). It seems to me that we haven’t spent much time together the last two weeks, and I’m sensing some distance between us (Judgment). I want to be close to you, because I love you (Want).”
Response: “When I hear your response (Data), I feel afraid (Feeling). I wish I could see a way around working tonight, but I can’t, it really seems as if I need to stay here and work and get this done. I’m afraid you’re thinking I don’t care, and I do care (Judgment), and I want to be close to you, too. I’d like to see if I can finish this and then take some extra time off to spend with you so we can be close again (Want).”
The key is to own your own feelings and desires, express them directly, clarify that you are making a judgment or statement from your own opinion and make it as easy as possible for the other person to fulfill what you would like.
This step of the What and How is so meaty that it was initially going to be the full content of this article. So I highly encourage anyone with a desire to invest more in learning further.
Further Resources:
In order of influence for me personally and professionally, here are the 3 approaches I have drawn from over the years:
The Proactive Formula in Kabbalah One
Dreams Within Conflict by John Gottman
Clean Talk inspired by the work of Carl Jung
