According to recent data, the risk of divorce has more than doubled since 1990 among those ages 55-64, and has tripled for those 65 and older. Often called the “empty nest divorce,” one factor stems from couples having focused so much time and energy on raising and providing for the children that they have allowed their core bond to atrophy. We continue to evolve and grow as people along the parenting journey and most couples grossly underestimate the need to continually invest in their togetherness, to address their differences and areas needing repair.
So how can couples build a strong empty nest for themselves, whether the kids have flown the coop or are preparing to do so?
THE IDEAL: INVEST AHEAD
I love the idea of coping ahead from the life skills training modality called DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Basically, “cope ahead” means creating a plan for ourselves before entering an emotionally distressing situation in the future. When preparing for the empty nest, I would turn this into “INVEST AHEAD.” This is the ideal scenario, to not allow your relationship to rest on the back burner all through the parenting years. Easy to say, very difficult to implement. Keeping your marriage your anchor relationship is one of the four pillars I use in my approach with couples who come to me for counseling (see below for more).
HONOR THE SHORT TERM TRANSITION
The first step when you're fresh as an empty nester is to be present with all the feels as you say goodbye not just to your young adult leaving the house but to this chapter in life when parenting occupies a huge chunk of emotional real estate and sense of purpose. Remember that your role as parents is not really about letting go but readjusting. Young adults still need considerable involvement and support even as they take their next leap into independence.
All parents need time to digest and honor this life passage, and your relationship does too. For you as a couple, this transition time can become a great opportunity to reflect together, see how you’ve grown and plan something special that allows you to celebrate this new phase and mark what you have accomplished together. Maybe you can
make a reservation at the restaurant of your first date, plan a trip or anything that you enjoy together in a way that brings you back to being boyfriend and girlfriend.
build your love map which is a method developed by Dr. John Gottman to invest in your intimacy and friendship. By asking each other questions, partners ensure they know the little and big things about their partner’s life and world.
LONG TERM GROWTH AND CHALLENGES: THE FOUR PILLARS
As I mentioned above, I use a *Four Pillar Approach for Lasting Love with the couples I see in my private practice. By the time couples become empty nesters, and if they haven’t addressed or invested in their marriage all along, they might find that the emotional plaque that has built is just too thick and hard to remove. That being said, I have found these four pillars to be tried and true even when there is considerable work to be done to turn things around.
Pillar 1: We are each responsible for our own happiness and well being.
Pillar 2: We approach our friction with a purpose to grow, individually and closer together.
Pillar 3: We make sure that our mate is the most important other person to us and they know that (Love map fits here).
Pillar 4: We make room in our relationship for sharing with the world.
Take a look at these pillars. Where you might need to devote more attention, on your own and as a couple? Many couples find they do much better with guidance from a relationship counselor. Let’s face it, none of us are trained in how to be a master in communication and relationships, and it can be hard to see our couple dynamic from the perspective of our own eyes.
I see a wide range of age groups in my relationship practice and those in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s, have grown considerably over the years. It’s beautiful to see. I say this with all my heart: When you invest in the right way, your relationship can actually grow stronger as you reach this next chapter in your life–even with those pesky issues that are no longer masked now that the kids are away.
* The Four Pillars for Lasting Love. After decades of counseling hundreds of couples, and experiencing considerable transformation within my own marriage, I asked myself what are the core components of a relationship that is fulfilling and lasting, not trading one for the other. Even more, what does it take for the depth of love and bond to be ever growing. Everything I had learned personally and professionally, infused with years of studying the wisdom of Kabbalah, kept bringing me back to four truths, which have proven unshakeable over time.
