This Thanksgiving, whether gathered round your table or zoom, I think we could all use ways to make this year especially warm and meaningful. I personally have always felt drawn to learning my family’s history. I remember doing college projects trying to capture these dramatic stories and lessons from my grandfather. I could never hear enough about him hiding in the marshes for weeks, crossing the border when the guards changed...how he snuck on a boat, was rejected at Ellis island...how he started a life in Cuba, alone as a teenager. Through storytelling, I belonged to his courage and strength. His stories became my greatest inheritance.
According to the well known research of Robyn Fivush, "Children and adolescents who know more of their family stories show higher well-being on multiple measures, including higher self-esteem, higher academic competence, higher social competence, and fewer behavior problems." Three different kinds of stories offer profound well being benefits to children and adolescents: 1) ascending, 2) descending and 3) oscillating. Those considered oscillating, (i.e., highs and lows but with resilience to survive or triumph) offer the greatest strength for future generations. These stories help us heed the call to heal ancestral trauma, which I believe, to some degree applies to us all.
Retelling Family Stories Offers Many Benefits
KNOWING YOUR FAMILY BUILDS RESILIENCY
Individuals who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges. Stories from parents and grandparents that include their sad, angry, or distressing feelings, and how they learned to cope, allows children to learn that regulating one’s emotions is doable and some specific strategies for how. I know for me, I remember asking my mother how she handled losing her father at age 2, and on some level, her mother who then emotionally closed down. Alone after school making meals and cleaning the house, she learned to be a doer. To this day, she has a special skip in her step as she stays busy and active, cleaning, sorting, organizing, These tools I now use when I’m feeling sad or out of control.
A STRONG FAMILY NARRATIVE HOLDS A FAMILY TOGETHER
Developing a strong family narrative is a key ingredient that holds a family together, makes them effective, resilient, and happy? To increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come, it is suggested to: Create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. It’s an Important kind of communication that binds families together and makes them happier ones. How you frame your family’s stories determines the degree of healthy impact they have. Again, stories that show the oscillating trials and triumphs, culminating in some kind of triumph as a family have the best impact.
AN INTERGENERATIONAL SELF FOSTERS BELONGING AND IDENTITY
When we see ourselves as part of a larger family, we develop an intergenerational self, a deep knowing that we belong to something bigger than ourselves. This has been shown to increase our confidence and self esteem. “Intergenerational stories anchor youngsters as part of a larger group, helping them develop a sense of identity. In a 2008 study, researchers at Emory quizzed 40 youngsters ages 10 to 14 on 20 family-history questions, such as how their parents met or where their grandparents grew up. Those who answered more questions correctly showed, on separate assessments, less anxiety and fewer behavior problems.” Wall Street Journal Article by Sue Shellenbarger
SELF DISCLOSING CAN SOOTHE THE PRESSURES OF YOUTH
I love telling those who aren’t sure what they want to do with their future, the story of how many times I changed my major and how late in the game I did so. Being vulnerable with your own journey, can provide a powerful antidote to all the ways society puts pressure on the outcome, instead of the truly most important part of life, the process! It’s important to self disclose your own foibles, stops along your journey, your necessary uncertainty as you put one foot in front of the other. Any story that validates that it’s OKAY TO BE YOU, in fact, the world needs you to be you. We all have a unique and sometimes circuitous way of getting there.
SHARING STORIES IMPARTS VALUES AND ROADMAPS
A good, real story shows instead of tells. When we hear a story we create an experience and this takes the message deeper.
Tips and Exercises for Creating a Family Narrative/Intergenerational Self
Now is such a good time for telling stories. Please keep in mind that it is not knowledge of these specific facts that is important – it is the process of families sharing stories about their lives that is important. Two simple (albeit deep) questions I like to ask myself are:
“What stories about my life, maybe one or two, would I want to leave with my children?”
“What can I share about my life that would represent the ancestor I want to be?”
20 QUESTIONS
Developed by Robyn Fivush and Marshall Duke, Here’s the “Do You Know…?” scale sometimes called “The 20 Questions” that tap into different kinds of family stories. These questions are designed as a starting point for sharing family stories. So these questions are a way to begin to ask and to tell, and to begin a family tradition of sharing the stories of our lives.
While some stories reflect deep and serious experiences, it’s it’s also good to tell funny, light stories too!
Do you know how your parents met?
Do you know where your mother grew up?
Do you know where your father grew up?
Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?
Do you know where some of your grandparents met?
Do you know where your parents were married?
Do you know what went on when you were being born?
Do you know the source of your name?
Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?
Do you know which person in your family you look most like?
Do you know which person in the family you act most like?
Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?
Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?
Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc.)?
Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?
Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?
Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?
Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?
Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?
