I knew it was time to write this blog when within the same day, I met with (or heard from) a single man, a married father, a seasoned couple, and a young mother, each feeling angry, distant, mistrusting, judged, sad about the attitude and response that their parents, their spouses, their neighbors (respectively) had about whats going on in our world today with Covid-19. Ranging from the sense of risk and consequence, their view on masks and social distancing, the quandary of returning to school, you name it. Different stories and flipped vantage points, but the friction all related to their perceptions of and response to Covid-19 (mixed with the death of George Floyd), as we head into late summer.
It’s human nature to feel close and open hearted towards those with whom we have an affinity, whether that be by way of similarity in views and values, in lifestyle or stage, or maybe a similar background. At the same time, we live in a diverse world with psyches susceptible to a series of unconscious psychological biases. We are a breeding ground for creating disharmony and division. In close relationships, we naturally have conflict and riffs. We are not meant to be free of argument and discord. These can be vital for how we grow and grow closer. Nevertheless, in today’s unique times, more than ever, how we handle these differences and arguments has the potential to make or break our most important relationships, starting with the one we have with ourselves.
The negative impact on us personally can serve as a great motivator to focus our energy on unity rather than separation. We create space between our body and our soul when we allow anger and judgment to hijack our consciousness. This leaves us empty and vulnerable to more negativity, often without even realizing it. Creating greater unity with our highest self creates a sense of completeness within, and we build this in large part by the effort we make in doing our best to remove space between us and others. Rest assured that removing space or discord doesn’t mean disregarding personal boundaries.
Here are some concrete tips for handling your relationships that have the potential for a rift based on your different feelings and views.
1. Know Thyself: Dig Deeper
Knowledge is power, especially when it comes to understanding our own thoughts and feelings, our fears and deepest desires. Self awareness strengthens our capacity to reel in the intensity of our reactive emotions that tend to worsen the division we feel and create between us and others. See if you can spend less time judging or talking about the people who feel differently from you and spend more time looking within to understand your own feelings and values better. Often there’s something deeper going on.
For example, one client realized his anger toward his parents’ perspective had more to do with his fear of being alone than anything else. Once identifying the fear, then the focus can turn away from the cover emotion of anger and toward how he can directly handle his fear.
2. Focus on the Good and the Love
Our brains do fascinating things. Do you notice how something negative can become such a focus that you forget about everything else— in your life or about a person? The negative can sit like when holding a coin in front of our eye, and then that’s all we see. So be on the lookout for a difference between you and your loved one blinding you to the other aspects of the person that you love and appreciate, and all the other parts of your relationship that are good and beautiful and that are in line with your values.
3.Stay Away from Hot Topics
Sometimes we fear a sense of alienation or inauthentic connection if we can’t talk about everything. That’s an illusion. It’s true that lately so much of what we’re talking about is related to COVID-19 and the killing of George Floyd. While it’s difficult to talk about other things, there’s so much more we can talk about. We can talk about ideas and dreams, about empowering, inspiring stories. We can talk about how we’re doing, what we are working on, and really listen to each other about what’s going on within our heart. We can share recipes, tell jokes, plan creative ways to stay connected.
4. Really Listen
We are actually pretty poor listeners as a species. I say this with a chuckle thinking back to starting graduate school when all of us counseling rookies thought of ourselves as good listeners. We were quickly astonished to find out, at least I can speak for myself, how many barriers to truly listening I was putting up. See what it’s like to let go of being in your own world and truly listen to the view of the other person in your life. Mirror, validate, empathize, probe. Without judging or trying to convince them of your perspective. I’m amazed at the change I see during sessions when partners feel heard. You can have very different views, but when you feel heard it creates unity. Humbling oneself to listen to another person’s side is a beautiful, amazing and powerful phenomenon. And highly underutilized.
5. Seek your opportunity for growth.
Our relationships are mirrors to us. In fact, according to the ancient wisdom of Kabbalah, everything outside of us, including people who hold opposing views, can be seen as an opportunity to help us, to benefit us and increase our capacity for receiving all that life has to offer. One client recently realized, as we dug deeper, that the discord with his family right now is giving him a chance to grow his capacity to love unconditionally and to be more flexible — even though he still feels very strongly about his values, so much so that he needs some physical distance from his family. At least in his heart he is taking steps to close the space between them. Looking for the growth opportunity is a great unifier.
6. *Let Go of Expectations
We tend to have a schema in our minds about how things and people are supposed to be. Yes, dream big and have personal standards for who you let in to your inner sanctum. At the same time, notice where your expectations are getting the best of you as they only lead to disappointment, reactive behavior and dissatisfaction. Paradoxically, letting go of expectations and accepting what is and who a person is opens up a greater sense of appreciation and opportunity for peace between people.
7. Turn Your Views and Values into Action.
We are more likely to feel critical and unhappy with others when we are not happy, especially with ourselves. Shift your focus and ask, “What will make me feel proud, fulfilled, empowered?” “How can I take my own thoughts and feelings, views and values and express that into the world?” We have a lot of unexpressed and displaced energy in our human society. Taking action requires a great deal more effort than passing judgment or dwelling on how wrong we feel others and society are.
In sum, at the end of the day, we are all looking for the same things. We want to feel safe, we want to feel connected, we want to feel good about ourselves, we want to feel whole and complete, we want to live in a healthy environment. We share far more similarities than we do differences. It’s a long journey for our civilization to try to create unity. And every single word, every single thought, every single action that any of us does to create more unity makes far more difference than we ever can imagine. Let us all not be fooled to think otherwise.
*For more on overcoming expectations, check out the blog Great Expectations by Monica Berg
