So many turns in the parenting road meet us with questions and uncertainties. Never more than this fall of 2020 do we find parents perplexed and ill-equipped. Since the Great Depression, we haven’t seen such a great majority of young adults (18-29 year olds) living with their parents, and it’s rising. Colleges sending students off campus, high schoolers learning from home and college grads struggling to land basic employment, families face new pressures and more intense dynamics. Young adults feel trapped in adolescence while many moms and dads seek to adjust to what feels like “parenting double overtime.”
Thankfully, there are many who are happy to have this extra time together, to enjoy the intimacy and bonding and the bonus extension of child rearing and being reared. That being said, even those who love time with family are feeling held back and irritable. The ones struggling the most are those who have had difficult relationships to begin with. So how can parents maximize the opportunities and reduce the struggles of this extended living-at-home family reality?
BALANCE LOVE AND BOUNDARIES
I have learned that successful parenting factors in a balance of 1) love & mercy and 2) boundaries & accountability. Inspired by the universal wisdom of Kabbalah, I like to think of these facets teetering on two ends of a scale, right and left respectively, and in the middle are us as parents, who are charged with deciding whether it’s mercy (right side) or boundaries (left side) that is needed most at any given juncture, or some blend of the two. Some parents are generally long on the right and short on the left, or perhaps the other way around. Research has shown that children are more at risk for addiction when this balance is grossly off skew. Always important is to lead from love, even when it’s time for tough love.
LOVE AND MERCY: Here are some ways to support from the right side of the scale.
Validate feelings, listen without judgment, ask open ended questions. Open and safe communication is the foundation for supporting anyone. Resist the urge to fix or rush your children through what they feel. Frustration, disappointment and grief are part of being human. Identifying our feelings gives us inner power and feeling validated has a magic way of transforming darkness into Light.
Expect less than normal. It’s okay if your child is not operating at fully motivated and mature capacity. Many are feeling the same. Keeping it light can help our young adults feel better about themselves and their lives.
Prioritize quality connection. Without smothering, just know that connection is its own remedy. It’s about how we go through life, not the destination itself that leads to true happiness. What we can’t fix, we can lighten by the love and joy of going through it together. We might never have this chance again, to this extent, to build memories, to bond and grow closer.
Attune closely to their well being. Look for signs of isolating, less joyfulness, hidden anxiety, self harm, substance abuse. Don’t hesitate to seek tele-therapy. From my own experience as a counselor, virtual sessions are far more connecting than I and most expected.
Nurture your own physical, emotional and spiritual well being. We inspire and guide best when we are happy ourselves. Don’t forget as a mom or dad how important it is to care for the most important relationship you will ever have, with yourself. When we have employed tools that work for us, we lead by example and our children are more likely to be drawn toward that light.
BOUNDARIES AND ACCOUNTABILITY: Tips from the left side of the scale
Allow space for independence as much as possible. Let go of micromanaging how your teen or young adult spends their time, especially for life matters in their wheelhouse of control. I remember freaking out that our daughter didn’t know how to type with all ten fingers, preferring a single digit approach. Now it’s a joke that I even thought this mattered. As a grown adult, she writes blogs, trainings, you name it, and how she prefers to type is completely irrelevant. If you are concerned about your child’s mental well being, get involved more closely out of love not fear or control. This might require a change of attitude, putting down the fears we tend to have which are largely irrational.
Offer some help, rather than push advice. Let them know they can come to you IF they would ever like some help. It’s important that we communicate the message of believing in our children and their ability to make good decisions, while at the same time letting them know we are available. When we over teach, they shut down. I was taught that for every 10 teaching moments, listen to their perspective 9 out of 10. Then that 1 out 10 time we have something to teach them, they might not be so stuffed already.
Open ended questions are a great way to help them find their own answers. Ask them what their plan is, what they think might happen if they choose A or B. Let them learn to be their own problem solvers. Show faith in their ability to grow and handle the challenges before them.
Negotiate with young adults for family’s work. One idea is to create a list of chores and let them choose. Maybe it’s laundry or grocery shopping or picking meals. If you haven’t arranged for this kind of accountability in the past, it’s important to make small changes and let them select the areas that are most appealing to them. We don’t want to get into a power struggle! The key is we want to Empower not nag. Help your children see their actions matter. We all seek a sense of purpose and to feel impactful.
In their book, Stop Struggling With Your Teen, Evonne Weinhaus and Karen Friedman suggest saying something like this, “We need to divide the chores differently, since we are all busy, and I want to work out something we can all live with. Any ideas? I’m willing to shop for the groceries and I’d like you to put them away.” Or maybe you can flip that around. According to Evonne and Karen the key is working out a negotiation.
Set a standard for acts of kindness. They’re contagious. Let them be part of what kindness looks like in your home, in your family. This is giving young adults the chance to be the creator in the home, accountable for the quality of the love in the home.
Teach them cause and effect. Rather than controlling their behavior or decisions, help your teen/adult connect the dots of cause and effect in their own lives. For example, don’t do their laundry if it’s a chore you feel they should do themselves. Let them deal with dirty clothes, with a light attitude. Rather than yelling at them or shaming them. Simply let the dirty clothes pile up. We have bigger fish to fry.
BLENDING LOVE WITH BOUNDARIES
Show empathy even when setting limits. I remember telling our kids again and again, the reason behind the consequence I was implementing. They needed to learn something very important and therefore we often need something to sting a bit to remember. But I always let them know I didn’t like the job, that it hurt me too.
Good Luck and most of all, do your best to enjoy the process and love yourself every step of the way.
