We often mentally accept that parenting will come with emotional joys and pains while we are actively rearing them. What many mothers and fathers find themselves surprised to discover is that the adult stages of our children’s lives can also come with great joys––and unbearable pains, particularly in navigating the parent-adult child relationship itself.
As a therapist, I hear countless stories of frustration and heartbreak from adult children about their relationship with one or both parents. I hear equally as many devastating grievances from uncertain and terrified older mothers and fathers who don’t know how to overcome the psychological obstacles their children are pressing them to confront. Parents report feeling as though their children are rewriting their childhoods, slanted toward the hurtful; and adult daughters and sons often report feeling gaslighted because their parents are unwilling to acknowledge the harmful manner or culture in which they were raised (or continue to reinforce).
Total estrangement impacts a small, but profound portion of families even though parental investment is at a record high. Even in relatively positive scenarios, it’s important we normalize the grief that often comes in the parent-adult child dynamic. Things don’t always work out as we envision, and letting go and accepting what is out of our control can prove very difficult.
What are the sources of tension between parents and their adult children? What can both parent and child do to create as much harmony, love and acceptance as possible?
Sources of Tension Between Parents and Adult Children
1. A Shift In American Family Values
Discontent between parents and their adult children has been around for centuries. In today’s times, adult children are more vocal. The pursuit of personal growth and happiness among millennials is empowering the breaking of cycles and setting of new boundaries. The younger generations don’t want to follow the status quo and want more say about the psychological culture in which they live and love. The older generations struggle with their place and value and are often unprepared for the kind of challenges their sons and daughters are presenting to their dynamic.
2. Viewing the Past Through Different Eyes
We all have our own lens, and this is never more true to explain the tension between adult children and their parents. Mothers and fathers can feel unacknowledged for all the ways they showed love and commitment and accused of things they can’t see how they ever did. The sons and daughters, now as adults, are reflecting back to what would now be considered shaming, unsupportive or even abusive––and certainly not conducive to creating a healthy and authentic identity.
3. Feeling Criticized, Controlled and/or Conditionally Loved
Many adult children express that they receive messages that they are not enough, as they are. That unless they follow the path their parent(s) agree with and meet their parents’ needs and requests, they will not receive the love, encouragement and support they desire. Some parents have certain expectations that come along with their active involvement in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. This can feel like a personal agenda for their love and can make adult children feel they can’t be free to be who they really are. Whether it’s about the partner they choose, their sexual identity or the way they parent or live their lives, our sons and daughters will naturally want to distance if they do not feel you trust them to make choices that feel right for them—even if you feel concerned and don’t relate to their choices.
4. Poor Boundaries
Adults in their 20s, 30s and 40s have a more psychologically informed idea of a healthy relationship and many parents are not prepared to make these kinds of changes in their dynamic. Adult children are setting boundaries with how parents interact with them (and their grandchildren) as well as parents’ involvement in their day to day and personal lives. Many of these boundaries touch upon normative liberties from parents’ cultural upbringing. For example, in a Mind Body Green article, Lisa Moncoa, LCSW describes the following as considered poor boundaries from a parent which are more likely to create distance:
Having unexpected and frequent visits from them.
Unsolicited input about your partner
Unsolicited advice about how you're raising your children.
Having them buy things for your home without asking you.
Frequent comments about your diet or body.
Interfering with your personal life
Healing the Distance between Parents and Adult Children
1.Listen to Your Child without Defending Yourself: Don’t Shut Them Down
More impactful than the disagreements, and the differing needs and ideas for your relationship, is the HOW YOU APPROACH YOUR DIFFERENCES. The first essential step in attempting to repair is creating a safe space for both parent and child to feel heard. Often the communication needs to lean on the side of the adult child, where the son or daughter is allowed to express their perspective and feelings to their parents.
One of the most difficult energies to offer, but of utmost importance, is to allow your adult son or daughter to have a voice about how they have felt in the parent-child relationship and what they want the relationship to look like going forward. This is a key component to Invest in repairing the relationship and building one that will yield joy in the future. Take the time to reflect back what you are hearing them say and show empathy, even if you don’t agree or never intended to cause harm. One serious point of tension is when parents view their adult child’s disagreement or grievance as disrespectful. This shutting your child down is a fast track to estrangement.
Ultimately, once trust is established, it’s important that both sides have a chance to share their views of the past, the joys and pains in their relationship and their needs for the future together.
2. Create Your New Relationship
After really hearing and empathizing with your adult child, (and to some degree that empathy being reciprocated), rewrite what will work going forward. The agreed upon boundaries, what you each need to feel loved and appreciated. Parents will likely need reassurance that they are valued for the love and commitment they have given and for the future they have in their child’s life.
3. Family Therapist
Out of necessity, I have developed a specialty over the years in helping parents and their adult children heal the distance between them (and often to grieve the relationship gap from what was hoped for). This healing process, which largely involves proactive communication, is most successful when facilitated by a trained therapist. We tend to think we are listening but most of the time we are blinded by our own thoughts and feelings and not so skilled at empathy and active listening. For this healing communication to occur, it’s essential for true listening to occur which creates an emotionally safe environment. Old, negative patterns can kick in quickly and a trusted therapist can guide the communication toward healing and positivity.
Take Away
It’s through our relationships that we can receive the greatest joy and/or the deepest pain—especially the parent-child. The most empowering mindset, no matter what we face, is one of personal growth, self love and acceptance of your current reality. Investing in repair is worth the effort to the extent you feel the family members involved are willing and capable. It’s your relationship with yourself that creates the most harmony in your life. So regardless of the outcome, know that you are whole, worth the effort and can create a beautiful life for yourself.
