The joy and stress of a family holiday often go hand in hand––factoring in family dynamics, travel, financial strain, task overload, and for many, loneliness and isolation. Let’s talk about the 3 main sources of stress leading up to Thanksgiving and 3 self care tools you can use to ease each one.
1.The Stress: Getting Everything Done, and Perfectly!
Especially if you’re hosting, the extra to-do’s in creating a special event and meal can put the executive function part of the brain into overload. All the tasks aside, the greatest stress comes from the pressure we put on ourselves to be perfect, whatever that means. Our self worth can too easily become falsely intertwined with what we achieve and how we perform.
Self Care Tools
Release the Pressure to Be Perfect. Who you are as a human being has nothing to do with creating the perfect yummy meal and table. Repeat this often, “I am worthy and loveable just as I am.” Whether you are hosting or not, fortify yourself with thoughts of your true identity which is not tied to what others think of you or your accomplishments. If you are hosting, remember this: The most important element for a beautiful and meaningful gathering is helping people feel loved and valued.
Pause, breathe and relax (PBR). This is what I call a micro-meditation, one that I love doing all day long. Each is a unique step––Pause. Breathe. Relax. This allows us to soothe our nervous system, bring ourselves into the present and remember what matters most.
Delegate. This year, I sent out a grocery list using google keep on my phone to those I knew would be happy to help. You can also text certain talented dishwashers ahead of time asking them if they would be willing to dig in when it’s time for clean up. Asking a playful family member to plan a game can also help take the pressure off and empower family or friends to be part of creating a light and bonding mood.
2.The Stress: Family Tension
“Put two people in a room and you already need a miracle.” I’ve always remembered these words of wisdom from my teacher Rav Berg. Most people with issues in their family do not resort to total cut-offs; our family ties run very deeply. So we enjoy the good and muddle through the tension. Some feel criticized or unaccepted by someone in their family, others feel overlooked or taken advantage of. Many don’t know how to navigate their differing views or rules of engagement.
Self Care Tools
Cope Ahead: Give Yourself Emotional Space Beforehand. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) coined this term for the preparation we do ahead of a potentially emotionally charged circumstance or person in our life. Particularly when about to face family encounters that evoke fear or stress, ask yourself, “What is my psychological safety plan; what can I do for myself to feel connected to and grounded with myself beforehand?”
Here are some ways to cope ahead:
Write it out. Journaling and listening within helps us connect with ourself and less reactive to outside triggers.
Pick a grounding affirmation to meditate on. E.g., “I am enough; Nothing anyone does or says is personal; I love and approve of myself; I have a good heart.
Give yourself an opportunity to feel heard before you go, this could be a friend, partner, or therapist.Fortify yourself by connecting with your friends, counselor, and/or spiritual teacher ahead of time.
Identify your triggers and this can help you get ahead of them so the negative feelings don’t hijack your nervous system completely.
Setting Boundaries is Loving. An old, dear friend once said to me, “I set good boundaries so that I can be more loving.” You’re not responsible for anyone else's behavior and emotional state, only yours. While you want to add to a warm environment for everyone, you are not responsible for fixing or taking on what is not yours to hold.
Make a list of the boundaries that you can control.
I can leave whenever I need to.
I can be kind and gentle no matter what is going on around me.
I can treat myself with self compassion.
I pledge to make an effort to let go of what I cannot control.
I pledge to politely remove myself from tense conversations.
At any time, I know I can step outside for a breath of fresh air, help out in the kitchen, or play a game with the kids.
Love Anyway. Even though you are annoyed or even furious, or maybe you just feel hurt or radically different from a particular family member. We don’t know what it’s like to be them, and they don’t know what it’s like to be us. We tend to assign certain people in our lives to provide us with what we need, often times like with a parent, appropriately so. Nonetheless, the problem with this expectation is that it can leave us disappointed, filled with angst and anger, and drain us of the loving energy that is our essence.
When we let go of blaming and expecting people to be perfect, then we can accept someone for who they are. Accepting someone doesn’t mean agreeing with their behavior or the way they do relationships, and sometimes we need to speak up. But, please, not at a family gathering. Overall, the more we stop assigning our needs to certain people who may not be equipped or interested, the more we can accept, and perhaps even love, them for who they are.
3.The Stress: Disappointment and Loneliness
Many experience painful emotions during holiday times in part because there is a heightened expectation for joy and connection. Whether it’s from friction or estrangement, divorce or the loss of someone dear––or the disconnected, lonely feeling that can creep in even sitting across from your own family––you are not alone if the holidays awaken sadness or loneliness.
Self Care Tools
Acceptance over Expectations. High expectations cause much of the holiday stress and disappointment so many people face. Look out for the “shoulds,” Adopting a mindset of radical acceptance can make all the difference. When we judge or resist our present reality, this is a good indicator that we are in a state of expectation and not acceptance.
Sadness. If sadness is your biggest struggle this holiday season, do your best to accept and embrace this uncomfortable feeling. Make sure you leave time to feel it, share your pain with others, journal about it, breathe into it. It’s important to not bypass what it means to be a human. At the same time, do that which uplifts you (see glimmers below). When the time is right, be on the lookout for what you can learn from your sadness, what you can receive from it to turn your loss into meaning.
Stay away from Social Media. Scrolling along the Facebook lane can be dangerous during the holidays, because it’s only the smiling, surface side of reality. Try reading, going for walks, writing letters to friends, or having special one on one time with people who you feel close to and safe with.
Map Out Your Glimmers. Let’s talk about glimmers, the opposite of a trigger. Coined by Deb Dana, a licensed clinical social worker who specializes in interpersonal trauma, "glimmers" refers to small moments when our biology is in a place where we feel warm, safe and connected.
We often don’t realize the emotional glimmers right under our noses. A glimmer can be awakened from a familiar person, listening to music, sharing kindness, a good belly laugh, yummy food, cuddling an animal, studying spiritual wisdom, moving your body, thinking of blessings, feeling heard, writing a card, zooming with friends, reading, making your bed, baking, stretching, walking in nature, conscious breathing.
Take Away
For those who feel stress, dread or some level of anticipatory anxiety about the upcoming holiday, please, please know you are not alone. Everyone’s circumstances are unique but the truth is we all have challenges. This is a natural, essential part of the creative process of life. I learned from the wisdom of Kabbalah, that we need to go down so we can go up. Whatever is causing you stress this Thanksgiving, the key is to activate your freedom of choice and USE YOUR SELF CARE TOOLS. They work well, and you are well worth it!
