Some families grew closer over the pandemic while others suffered rifts. Differing views on vaccines, masks and testing has made for some tricky family dynamics and sometimes hostile conversations. So much so that for one of my clients, after another disastrous family gathering where her views were not respected, she decided she needed to take a break. Not a total cut off, but some time to get grounded and reevaluate how to move forward.
With Covid cases sinking and optimism rising, the opportunity for gatherings has certainly arrived. This is great news for most, but I am seeing so many people who are just not sure how to begin repairing the division. Some have had issues with their families long before the pandemic began, and are now using this 2 year hiatus as permission to create a healthier, new normal. Others feel that their once-close, loving relationship has been threatened and need tools to bridge them back. Without the pandemic as an excuse anymore for keeping distant, the pressure is on to address these emotional issues.
Here are some steps for repairing your relationships:
Step 1: Get Grounded with Yourself
Our natural human tendency is to place responsibility on situations and people for our happiness and well being. This reinforces the inclination to respond emotionally and reactively. Yes, we are absolutely affected by others close to us. However, when we connect with and take care of ourselves in the right way, we elevate ourselves into a better state of mind to address whatever we face. Meet your Wise Mind!
Some examples could be to 1) meet with a counselor to sort out your thoughts and feelings, 2) increase your yoga or spiritual practice, 3) seek ways to be kind and giving, 4) eat foods and move your body in ways that honor you, 5) meditate on an anchoring phrase.
Step 2: Determine whether family members are willing to work on the relationship.
Having proactive conversations isn’t always the best choice, or the right time. The key element is the desire to heal the relationship, for both parties.
Step 3: Listen from a place of empathy
If having a healing conversation feels like an option, it’s essential to create a safe zone, free of blame and criticism. Our desire is typically to get our point and feelings heard and this can diminish our ability to be good listeners. Stay away from trying to persuade or convince the other to adopt your views. Instead use these three communication gems: MIRRORING, VALIDATION AND EMPATHY.
Step 4: Focus on the good things
Humans have a negativity bias. Once something happens that we perceive as bad, it’s easy to only see from that lens. Do your best to open your heart to the others’ feelings, understand that your way of thinking isn’t the only way and try to see the good in the person or the relationship.
Step 5: Communicate and set boundaries non-judgmentally
Move away from right or wrong. Instead, own your needs and boundaries and express them with sensitivity.
Example 1: “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you, but it doesn’t work for us to come for the whole weekend. But I really want to honor your birthday, so how about we plan some special time for you and I to celebrate.”
Example 2: “When this happens, here's how we feel.” (Instead of “You're making us feel that way.”)
Step 6: Stay away from the past, and trouble spots
Some families do best to simply stay away from conversations that can turn hostile. Become a master of “changing the subject.” It’s a handy life skill.
