We have come a long way in acknowledging and addressing the postpartum mental health challenges that so many birthing mothers face. Around 1 in 7 women suffer from postpartum depression, now called perinatal depression which includes before and after giving birth. As many as half of women who do suffer from perinatal depression still go undiagnosed. The stigma and the fear that disclosing one’s depression will lead to loss of support or abandonment leads many women to still feel they need to power through on their own. Yes, we still need to continue normalizing the support so many new mothers need.
What About Supporting Parents (SP)?
Even less attention has tilted towards the perinatal depression of supporting parents who face almost the same level of risk for depression as the new mother. A supporting parent is any parent who is non-gestational, i.e., the parent who did not give birth. This could mean the father or the non-gestational parent in LGBTQIA+ families. Parents of adopted and surrogate-born children can also experience perinatal depression.
Baby Blues Versus Depression
Baby blues, a short lived emotional dysregulation after childbirth, can be mistaken as the culprit for the more severe, long-lasting form of depression that both the mother and the supporting parent can go through. When someone is depressed, and adding sleep deprivation to the mix, they tend to live in a fog and not until they feel better are they often able to really see how bad they were feeling. Everyone close to new parents should be on the lookout.
Signs of perinatal depression and/or anxiety:
restlessness, trouble sleeping
low mood, feeling sad or crying for no reason
anxiety and worries that are difficult to stop or control
low energy, low motivation
little or no interest in your baby
avoiding family, friends, social situations
not enjoying activities that you used to enjoy
changes in your appetite (e.g., eating more or less than usual)
feeling irritable or angry often
thoughts of self-harm
self doubt about capabilities as a mother or father
5 STEPS TO GUIDE YOU TO HAPPINESS
Even if you are not at risk for more serious depression, all parents can benefit from these 5 steps to create the best experience of bringing a baby into your home and hearts.
Step 1: ACCEPT YOURSELF & THE NOW
Perinatal depression is not a character flaw or a weakness. Sometimes it's simply a complication of giving birth, for both parents! Be especially accepting of yourself—with all your mixed feelings and experiences at this time. Remove the fantasy expectations. Catch and reject any thoughts of shame. Accepting yourself unconditionally will create a lightness and the potential for you to experience more joy.
For the spiritually hungry, we can understand that our challenges give us the opportunity to draw closer to our purpose and they create an opening for greater blessings. We are not able to capitalize on either of these benefits without first accepting our present reality versus resisting or judging it. To truly receive the blessing that a new child can bring, we must be called to grow. Trust you are growing and expanding.
Step 2: IDENTIFY YOUR TRIGGERS
Naming the causes of our mental health decline allows us to start feeling more in control and can serve as a guide for the mind-body-spirit tools we need to put into place (see Step 4). Supporting parents (SP) are exposed to many of the same triggers for depression as their partner who gave birth, and there are unique challenges they face.
These are the triggers associated with a risk for perinatal depression, not only for the one who gave birth. See which ones might resonate with you:
The Marathon of New Parenthood. Amidst the remarkable miracle of pregnancy and a newborn, there’s a windfall of intense demands—physically, emotionally, mentally and in your relationship. Most underestimate the new coping skills needed psychologically to adjust, not to mention the impact of sleep deprivation and the reduced focus on your relationship.
I remember saying to my husband when our first child was born, “Oh my goodness, we’ve been tricked. This is so much harder than anyone ever said.” Amidst the unnameable love that I am grateful instantly awakened in me, I had never taken on the level of responsibility that comes with the frailty of a newborn nor stretched myself to give to another human being even close to that degree.
Hormones. Yes, both mom and dad experience hormone changes! Research finds that testosterone and estradiol increases in fathers, thought to support parental care. Newer research is beginning to explore similar hormone changes in other non-gestational parents, such as lesbian parents.
Other factors. A colicky or premature baby, financial stress, relational problems, recent loss, history of mental illness, stressful life demands, and past trauma – any of these factors can put one or both parents out of their window of tolerance.
Here are some of the unique depression triggers for supporting parents (SP). See if you can relate with any or all:
Partner’s depression. Dads and non-gestational parents are more likely to show signs of depression when their partners are depressed.
Feeling disconnected from mom and baby. Many new mothers (understandably) bring all their nurturing energy right into the baby and the supporting parent can feel left out and isolated.
Limited support. For many supporting partners, especially LGBTGIA+, they have limited support. The focus leans toward the one who gave birth, which isn’t wrong. Yet, it’s all too easy for supporting partners to fall under the radar and not feel socially validated in their experience and struggles as a new parent.
Step 3: PRIORITIZE YOUR HEALTH — It’s not selfish
Just as neglecting a mother’s health needs has negative ramifications for the baby and whole family, the same applies for supporting partners! The parent who gave birth is not the ONLY parent who needs love and care, and to prioritize their mental well being.
Parents who prioritize their own well being increase the well being of their baby, not the other way around. Babies need smiling, cuddling and balanced routines so they can form a strong secure attachment. This will pave the way for their health and happiness for life. If you are having trouble feeling the self love and respect to care for yourself (yes, you deserve it) then let your care for your baby motivate you.
Step 4: USE YOUR TOOLS (for Mind-Body-Spirit)
Depression is a brain-based condition that can be healed with tools, typically when you blend mind, body and spirit. I like to suggest with my clients that they start gathering the tools they already know work for them by finishing this sentence, “Something in my life is not right unless I’m ______________. Try this yourself and then take a look at the 5 categories below.
Social Support. New parents are in a life stage when a network of support is critical, paid and unpaid. Let your family and friends know you could use extra support whether that be time to come clean the kitchen for you, to hold your baby so you can nap, to check in on you to see how you are really doing. If you can find a way to budget in hired help, please do so. Online groups, parents as teachers and the Postpartum Support International are also great resources.
Body Basics. Do your best to: a) get more sleep, b) eat well rounded meals, c) get outside, d) move your body (to the extent you can). These are the basics to reset your neurology and connect with the upstairs, emotionally balanced part of the brain. Body basics are not easy right now (I remember this well) so remember to seek support. Keep your purpose simple and singular—self care!
Feed Your Spirit. When we get overwhelmed, we typically throw our spiritual practices out the window. Which is when we need them the most. Whether it’s meditating, journaling, reading spiritual wisdom, painting, praying, being in nature, attending a spiritual service or being around your spiritual community, I can’t encourage enough to dip into the unlimited reservoir that the creative divine provides. Even if it’s just one toe in, your perspective and mental health can start to rise higher.
Therapy. Finding a trusted professional who can be there for you with cognitive/behavioral tools and expertise in postpartum depression is worth the effort because YOU are worth the effort.
Medication. Most people with postpartum depression find relief from using tools to balance mind, body and spirit. But let me tell you, when medication is the right match for someone, it’s a huge assistance. Important to consider and keep an open mind.
Step 5: STAY A COUPLE
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to carve out and even demand time together. This might take “a minute” post delivery to get a little more grounded. The sooner you do however, please know that you will be stronger, happier, healthier parents when you take special time together to be free from responsibilities and HAVE FUN.
Also important to note is that couples who share greater domestic equality are found to be at lesser risk for perinatal depression. See how you can each be the CEO of the household. This relieves a great deal of stress and resentment.
Points to remember
Both parents can face perinatal depression, not just the one who gave birth
Embrace and accept exactly where you are. You are part of a common humanity; and trust you are growing and expanding.
Allow yourself as parents to prioritize your own mental self care as best you can. You are worth it and there is nothing better for your baby.
Even if you’re not suffering from clinical perinatal depression, consider these 5 steps for your well being. They are preventative and relevant for all degrees of postpartum challenges.
You are not alone and do not hesitate to reach out for help. For more serious depression with thoughts of harming yourself or your baby, immediately call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or 9-1-1 or Postpartum Support International. Call or text "Help" to 1-800-944-4773.
