I can't tell you how many moms I meet with who are brutally hard on themselves as mothers. Mothers of little ones, teens or even adults. Whether it's moms who feel they are not doing or being enough, don’t feel it’s right to do for themselves or to take a break, or the many mothers who have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility for what their children go through in life or how they develop. One mom of a young teen plopped on my couch this week confessing, “I feel like I’m doing everything wrong. My son is really struggling and I realize that I have been making his happiness my success story.”
Mom guilt can be temporary over an isolated misstep or lack of understanding, or most commonly a pervasive feeling of not doing things right or perfectly which tends to come with a foreboding feeling that one’s choices will mess up the kids in the long run, or worse, already has.
Children benefit greatly when moms (and dads) attune to their children, provide a loving trusting relationship they can count on and learn best practices for empowering them. I’m here to say that as, or even more important, is being raised by people who are at peace with themselves, don’t tie their self worth to the outcomes of their children, practice self care, and let themselves be a good enough parent. The good enough parent is one who tries and fails to meet their children’s needs, sometimes handles things well and sometimes doesn’t––and is not striving for perfection.
TOOLS FOR OVERCOMING GUILT
1. Dismantle the Motherhood Myth of Perfection. Perfectionism is the fertile soil for guilt to thrive and is rooted in a false sense of self-worth based on personal performance, outside approval or the outcomes of others. We can’t talk about alleviating mom guilt without addressing perfectionism. Perfect means complete and flawless, which I do believe is true about who we are in our essence. Nonetheless, we live in a physical world and we are never meant to even strive for this unrealistic and ego based objective of flawlessness.
How could we ever live a meaningful life without the process of advancing, of growing further, of falling and getting back up, hopefully changed and for the better? Reading what therapist, Claire Nicogossian, Psy.D, wrote about the authentic growing process of mothering brought tears to my eyes. Moms, please read this carefully:
“As a child grows up, so too does a mother, gaining wisdom and experience along the way, including making mistakes and failing.”
2.Dive into the Reasons You Feel Guilt. Often unconsciously, so many moms put tremendous pressure on themselves to “do right by their children” but this is often a mask for underlying issues that may have begun in their own childhood. Try and understand yourself and the underlying sources of the need to be perfect and the guilt you feel as a mom. This self understanding of your triggers can not only help you climb your way out of the guilt dungeon and experience greater joy, but paradoxically help you grow into an even more supportive parent. The intensity of mom guilt can depend on the following, just to name a few…
If you’re pervasively afraid of repeating the poor or painful parenting you received.
If you’re regularly comparing yourself to others and to the high standards from society and social media.
If you’ve been stung by the motherhood perfection myth that you should love being a stay at home mom, have all the answers, never get angry, love unconditionally, not be on a journey of your own.
If you’re feeling like you have to compensate for either being a working mom, a divorced mom, a stay at home mom, you name it.
If you don’t have a life separate from your child’s.
If you feel your child’s happiness is your success story.
If you have mental health struggles of your own.
If you have past trauma.
Thought into action: When you feel that tug of guilt, try journaling to identify what is triggering you. It might help to read the list above. Identifying your triggers and examining your core beliefs, these are great steps in making small changes.
3.Pivot to Good Enough Parenting, Cultivate Resilience. Donald Winnicott, pediatrician and psychoanalyst, introduced a landmark view of parenting that helps to put down that heavy gauntlet of perfect parenting. What a relief, right? Not only is perfection in motherhood not attainable or realistic, it’s not helpful. It’s still true that newborns and infants need constant and immediate attunement. The older children grow, however, they need more space and independence; they need room to wrestle with and navigate their adversities without immediate or perfect involvement from parents. This is when good enough parenting steps in, still doing our best to meet the needs of children but with plenty of wiggle room to let them learn from their own life experiences which sometimes we allocate to them from our inadvertent limitations and mistakes.
Being there for children to meet every one of their needs actually hurts them and blocks them from developing resilience and personal strength. As Monica and Michael Berg shared in their Spiritually Hungry Podcast EP:15, Michael: “If you are a perfect parent, and none of us can ever be, but even if you could be theoretically, you are definitely not teaching your children resilience.” Monica: “No, because you are too busy protecting them.”
4.Let Go: Your Children Have a Path of Their Own. One of my clients recently started coming to see me because she couldn’t shake her worry about her college age daughter. She wasn’t eating or sleeping and her life was going downhill. Here is the mantra that turned things around for this dear woman: “Katie has her own path!” Furthermore, Mom’s best parenting strategy came from loving herself.
Once Mom received the permission to let go, to appreciate that Katie has a journey of her own, she could allow her daughter the space to find her way through the emotional storms she was allowing her daughter to dump onto her. Not only is Katie growing stronger, but Mom is so much happier. She has redirected her focus to her own passions and what brings her to her baseline of happiness. Our job is to support and to help children navigate their growing up years, to help them develop into the best version of themselves, but ultimately, they are the captain of their own ship.
5.Know Your Truth as a Mom. Especially after examining your triggers, and the pluses and minuses from how you were parented, listen within and define what your values are as a mother. Maybe it’s to be sure your children learn appreciation and kindness, or that you want them to learn trust in relationships and how to best navigate conflict. Maybe you value digital minimalism and exposing children to boredom, creativity, music and nature. Some people want to be sure their children are exposed to spiritual ideas and to the value of not judging others or oneself. Maybe it’s high on the list to not follow the crowd, to live according to your own self validation. There is no right or wrong, but only what is your highest truth. Writing your own list of what matters most, and cleaving to these authentic ideas, this can help drown out all the self doubting voices and create a fence around guilt.
6.We are Here to Change Ourselves, Nobody Else. I learned from studying the spiritual wisdom of Kabbalah that our children are here, in large part, for us. Meaning, our purpose in the world is to grow and change and the souls we draw down are part of our transformation story (and we are certainly part of theirs). We can often become way too busy with trying to influence and control the happiness and development of our children and neglect the director of our own show. We are the director of our own story, just as our children, at the end of the day, are the director of theirs. When you notice yourself preoccupied with your child’s happiness, their needs over yours, see what area of your own life and personal growth could use your attention. It’s not natural for moms, but this pivot for me when our kids were little was one of the best moves I made, for everyone.
