I’ve come to understand empty nest as a verb, “empty nesting” I like to call it. The letting go process is fundamental to parenting and continuous. Some empty nest experiences create such emotional turmoil and sadness that parents face empty nest syndrome. Each person needs to find where they want to direct that new energy but I think the first step is to frame this stage of life with a FRESH CHAPTER MINDSET.
“Retail therapy” is often joked about, typically laced with a hint of guilt from seeing shopping as a vice, a weakness, an escape, a consolation from failure or rejection, or perhaps an addiction. No doubt, some of these are all too true. However, as many stores have reopened, after months of quarantine, we are seeing more keenly how a classic shopping spree can actually be good for you. And hey, I’m not just saying this because my husband is a thoroughbred in a 5th generation family clothing business.
I clearly believe that making a purchase should and can never replace therapies and life endeavors that help us heal and feel fulfilled long term. Yet, we shouldn’t dismiss some of the mood lifting and positives that give the term retail therapy an actual backbone.
SOME POSITIVES
Here are some therapeutic benefits of shopping, of course keeping in mind moderation and spending within your means.
Awakening Kindness, Towards Yourself and Others
Especially if you allow yourself to receive without shame, treating yourself to an item that brings you joy can be an act of self care and kindness. What we know about self kindness is that it creates the foundation for our capacity and desire to show kindness to others.
Relieving Stress
Any action in which we engage, when fully present, allows our nervous system to regulate and relax. There’s a term I love that Deb Dana coined in her book “They Polyvagal Theory in Therapy,” called glimmers. These are experiences that help us feel safe and connected. For many, shopping makes their glimmer list. Retail shopping can be useful and empowering especially when framed as a tool when triggered. To learn more about triggers and glimmers, Andrea Glik, LMSW writes a succinct summary in her blog, “The Nervous System, Triggers and Glimmers!”
Gaining Control
With so much happening over which we can feel little control, in our world and in our lives, the power in making a consumer choice can tip us into the empowerment side of our human experience. Once we feel more in control from shopping, this can shift our consciousness as we approach and face the challenges in our lives.
Engaging in Creativity, Aestheticism and Self Expression
Art and creativity provide a unique pleasure of their own and lift our spirits. Shopping for clothing can be a creative experience and expression of yourself. A piece of clothing opens gates for creating outfits, thinking of future events to which you might wear it, for ways you can express your ever-changing self. Some of our purchases can also serve as a gateway to other creative outlets. For example, if we purchase cooking, gardening or carpentry equipment, the possibilities become endless.
Human Connection
Entering the marketplace is often much more than simply making a purchase. We are tribal, social creatures and we seek every which way to make a connection. Whether it’s shopping with your mom, child or friend, meeting new people as you shop, or getting the feel of a town you’re in as you shop shoulder to shoulder, we fill up by being with and around people. Shopping online is fine, but cannot replace the brick, mortar and human experience.
Ritual to Mark Milestones and Transitions
Let’s start with back-to-school shopping. What a marker of growth and new beginnings. Maybe it’s for a wedding, or a new job, or even a traditional practice of shopping for a holiday. All of these can come with warmth and joy, helping us to make memories and feel connected and safe with what’s familiar. Many find buying new items as a therapeutic tool when transitioning in life, whether that be a divorce (e.g., new bedding), going off to college or moving into a different career or personal stage in life.
STAYING BALANCED
I would feel remiss if I didn’t spend a little bit of real estate here on tips for protecting yourself from the peril of consumption, of turning outside oneself for fleeting and quick fix happiness. We all know this on some level, but it can take great effort to seek fulfillment internally versus externally. Here are some tips to keep from contaminating your retail therapy behaviors.
Consciousness is key. Claim the Why in your shopping.
Perusing the list above, see what stands out to you as some of the positive reasons shopping is joyful for you. Then, let that intention permeate your mind and heart. This way, your shopping rises into the proactive versus reactive category. Decide “the why” that serves you best long term.
For example, we know that the better our mood is, and the better we feel in our bodies and about ourselves, we feel lighter, more connected to our power and more likely to shine our light to the world. So when shopping for yourself, keep awareness of the perpetuity in your indulgence, making it directed also towards being more sharing with others.
Set Some Limits
Whether that be about time or money, emotional or physical energy, decide ahead of time what feels like a balanced degree of emphasis on your shopping. We enjoy the benefits to the degree that we don’t lose total control.
Shop For Others
We can counterbalance the addictive perilous effects of shopping by channeling our love of consumption towards sharing with others. It’s a win win.
Check Yourself for Signs of Shopaholism (Compulsive Spending)
We are all at risk as human beings for allowing people and things to become our source, to become compulsive with those things that bring us physical pleasure. Journaling, pausing, listening within, speaking with a friend or therapist can help to monitor your own sense of balance. Check out this article from Psychology today for a checklist of signs to see if your spending is out of control.
Let Yourself Receive
Many have great shame in wanting and receiving in life. There’s no blessing in anything that we have when we feel guilty about it. Let yourself enjoy the experience, don’t feel guilt. The shame only makes us feel empty and then makes us more likely to try and fill up the void with more things.
With social media growing as a tool to promote oneself and connect with others, many are finding themselves out of balance from the experience of building a public persona. I like to call this “Social Media Identity Syndrome.” To begin with, we are wired and socialized to care about how others perceive us. Today’s constant exposure to the opinions of the external world—by way of likes, comments, followers—puts us at greater risk for losing touch with the visceral experience of being an authentic human being, and having real and personal connections (especially with ourselves).
Yes, social media is a fact of life in the 21st century, a positive fact even—in business and marketing, and in our social and spiritual arenas. But too much of a social media identity can take a toll on our time, the quality of our lives and our relationship with who we are. So how can we navigate the boundaries of a social media identity and stay balanced? How can we express and expose ourselves on social media—share wisdom and stay relevant—and at the same time safeguard against FOPO (Fear of Other People’s Opinion), which social media savagely feeds?
Step 1: Know Thyself: A Social Media Identity Syndrome Questionnaire (SMISQ)
Understanding the potential side effects of building your public persona offers a baseline from which to check yourself. Ask yourself honestly, “How many of these dangers ring a bell?” (Big DING if it resonates, little ding if there’s a hint of truth.)
Do you find yourself spending too much time crafting your posts at the expense of spending quality time on what you value most?
Do you find yourself frequently, and repeatedly, checking the reactions to what you’ve posted? Or what others have posted?
Do you find the quality of your here-and-now experiences diminished from being preoccupied with making sure you document what is happening and with whom?
Do you find yourself distracted and having a harder time being in the present, being still and comfortable in your own skin?
Do you notice your self worth going up and down the ladder based on the responses to your posts?
Do you feel guilty, anxious or FOMO (fear of missing out) if you don’t post?
Do you struggle with comparing yourself with other social media handles—what they’re posting or doing in their lives?
Do you rethink or doubt how you are living your life and the choices you are making based on what you see others doing or posting?
Do you feel less at peace with yourself, or perhaps empty inside, after posting or perusing others’ posts?
Step 2: Create Good Boundaries Between the Real You and Your Social Media Identity
Here are some simple (not necessarily easy) tips to encourage living your life and connecting with others based on your authentic self (and protect yourself from the identity-eating social media monster).
PAUSE BEFORE POSTING, IDENTIFY YOUR “WHY.”
Take a deep slow breath and check your consciousness, continually. Ask and re-ask yourself the questions from the questionnaire above. Are you posting for external validation, to impress, to feel more worthy or respected by others? Or are you posting because it’s in line with your personal mission or the difference you want to make, whether it’s through your words or your services? Or perhaps your “why” is to stay connected with people who are important to you? Or to express your creativity and have some fun? Base your posts on the “why’s” that feed your inner being. Your branding will come through more purely and strong.
We must fight within our minds to lead from a place of how I want to influence versus be influenced based on others’ reactions to me. When you catch yourself seeking outside validation or coming from guilt or shame, then resist that urge to post at all right then and redirect yourself toward an activity that expresses your most authentic self. Or pause and redirect your mind to a reason for posting that feels more fulfilling and true for you.
I recently reread one of my favorite books, The Secret, by Michael Berg. In this short read, he shares that the key to true happiness comes from the experience of growing more and more into a being of sharing. Before I post on my Instagram handle (or speak publicly, meet with clients or write blogs), I do my level best to remember to check in and make sure to align myself with this ultimate purpose. Not for the outcome, or to even have an identity at all, but so that I can grow myself more into a being of sharing. That’s it, this singular focus changes everything, and is really all we need.
CREATE BOUNDARIES TO PREVENT LOSING YOURSELF
Some concrete ideas for protecting yourself from being swallowed up by the social media identity impulse include the following:
Resist the urge to keep checking your accounts for likes, follows, etc.; and the same for feeling the pressure to post with every experience. Take a deep breath and redirect your energy within yourself, when you feel the impulse to the external.
Create a true self mantra, and repeat again and again. Such as, “The power within me is greater than I can ever imagine. All I need, the wisdom, the guidance, the blessings can be found within, not outside of me.” or “I am safe to be who I really am. The joy and fulfillment I seek comes from living the truth of my inner being.”
Be Yourself, on and off the screen. Take the risk of being naturally you and expose who you are as a real person. Our daughter, Andrea, aka @somaticwitch, told me yesterday that she tries to keep it more personal by using her first name as much as she can. Though it’s a professional handle, it helps to interact in ways that keep her feeling like a human not a brand.
Nourish what keeps you grounded and fulfilled. Make your list of “Something in my life is not right unless I’m ____________________.
As an example, for me, “Something in my life is not right unless I’m… running, writing poetry, baking, studying Kabbalah, journaling, reading before bed, immersing in nature, listening to music up loud in my house, stretching, making new friends, time with my family.” You can check out this list of resources I use for myself and clients as a good starting off point to identify what it is that makes you feel whole, connected and alive in your own skin.
Sending my well wishes from me to you,
Rachel, aka @counselor4soulsearchers
Have you ever listened closely to the way you talk to your self? It can be a little scary. Most of us grossly underestimate the extent to which a critical inner voice is doing most of the talking, and the barrier that this habitual opponent creates in our lives. Now, we all need a push now and again, to hold ourselves accountable, to be better, to do better, to care more, to live in line with our values and our potential. This can include some tough love, lest we fall into the snares of an unfulfilling life ruled by complacency and instant gratification.
That being said, we must understand that we have everything to gain by protecting ourselves from the spiritual pollution of negative self talk. As my spiritual teacher, Michael Berg says, speaking negatively, which includes about ourselves “puts a shell around our soul.” And this shows up physically as well. Brain research confirms that a self attacking inner voice sets us up for anxiety and depression.
ONENESS WITH ONESELF IS THE FOUNDATION
The idea is like this: Before we can create a oneness with our dreams and desires, and a oneness with others, we must create a oneness within ourselves. Yes, we want to grow into a more loving and compassionate person. So what’s the foundation? A relationship towards oneself filled with kindness, encouragement and self love. We don’t grasp how valuable we are, simply because we exist. Appreciating our value, believing in ourselves beyond logic, this is how we grow and change best.
QUESTIONNAIRE: AWARENESS IS KEY
So let’s get practical and talk about what negative self talk can really sound like. Awareness is the first essential step. Here’s a questionnaire to help you begin identifying where you and your inner critic stand. Please be honest with yourself. Your inner critic won’t like to be discovered but your soul will be thrilled. 0=never; 1= rarely; 2=sometimes; 3=often; 4=all the time (The higher your score the more care and priority I would recommend you place on healing your self talk.)
When I listen inside, I can hear myself…
— Judging myself harshly in a way that I would NEVER speak to a friend, colleague or anyone I truly care about. (e.g., I’m so stupid; Never good enough; I look awful today; Why can’t I be more …; I’m so disorganized; I’m so bad; It’s all my fault; I did well, what a relief.)
— Comparing myself to others. (e.g. They are so much farther along than I am; Why don’t I have what they have; Well I do that better than them.)
— Repeating a message I received growing up, from someone toxic or a dynamic. (e.g., You’re so annoying; You have to make them happy or they will leave; You are not worthy of love; When you’re thin, everything will be good; That’s a hobby, not a real job.)
— Saying extreme statements about my character when disappointed in myself or a circumstance (e.g., I’m a terrible mother; I suck; I have nothing to offer; I’m blowing it.)
— Panicking when I don’t live up to a fixed identity, like a Good-Person image. (e.g., I better do this for them or they’ll think I’m unkind; Oh no, they are not going to see that I have it all together.)
— Discounting my gifts, skills and credentials. (e.g., There’s no way I can do that, I’ve never done it before; My success doesn’t feel genuine, I feel like an imposter; I’m not really that smart; I’m sure there are others who could do it better; I’ll come off like a fool.)
—Anxiously needing to resolve conflict or move forward on a project or issue. (e.g., If I don’t email right away, they’ll think I’m irresponsible; I better fix this Now; Oh gosh they will think I’m terrible, I need to explain myself.)
— Preoccupied with how I look. (e.g., Ugg I hate how my stomach looks; With these thighs I’ll never find a date.)
— Second guessing myself and my decisions, day to day and long term. (e.g., You should have done it faster; You wasted so much time; You idiot, you could have handled that so much better; Maybe my way isn’t the right way.)
— Shaming messages when I’m not perfect, approved of or make a mistake, (e.g., I have to be the best at this; They have to accept me; I just can’t make a mistake or I’m a failure; shame on me for not being tougher; I better not even try because I might fail; I’m bad at the core)
ABOUT SHAME: HEALING ONE’S INNER CHILD
Before we go on, I feel we need to spend a minute on shame. Especially related to our internalized and shaming messages (#3 and #10 above), it’s important to appreciate and not judge your inner critic. Likely, to protect from feeling judged, shamed or rejected in some fundamental way by caregivers, many of us develop an attacking way of relating with oneself to protect from the shame awakened by anything that resembles failure. If we can manage to control our behavior, our bodies, our image — or judge ourself first— then we create a temporary (and illusionary) feeling of safety.
As a recent article in Psychology Today put so well, “There's one thing the inner critic doesn't offer: Room for growth. All too often it sends us back to a zone where we find ourselves safe, but also stuck.” Today we have beautiful healing approaches that gently and powerfully help us to emancipate the child within, reparent him/her to not need those coping mechanisms, and the accompanying belief systems, like the child once needed to survive. (See Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Somatic Experiencing, Internal Family Systems, and EMDR)
THIRD PERSON SELF TALK: A TECHNIQUE FOR SELF DISTANCING
The main technique for overcoming negative self talk I want to share is a cognitive approach called SELF DISTANCING and it’s based on ground breaking research by Ethan Kross, of the University of Michigan's Emotion & Self Control Lab. By replacing the first person pronoun, I , with non-first person pronoun, You, He/She, or Our Name, we can gain emotional and psychological distance which allows us to speak to ourselves more like we would to a friend or someone we care about. Haven’t you noticed how it’s more clear when it’s about someone else’s life. Kross goes on to show that getting out of our first person mindset reduces the activation of the right amygdala, the emotional part of the brain— but at no extra cognitive expense. So this simple technique has great implications for unhooking us from the vicious cycle of negative self talk. Here’s an example of Gabriella new at giving presentations:
First Person (negative) Talk:
I am worried about giving this presentation. I’m afraid I won’t be good and powerful and that participants won’t want to continue. I’m afraid I will be a disappointment. The other presenters I respect in my field do such a good job and what if I am just not that good at it.
Third Person (affirming) Talk:
Gabriella, you can do this. You know this material and everyone who begins something new feels uncomfortable. What you will be sharing is something you deeply believe in and the most important thing is doing your best and coming from your heart. Gabriella, people will feel your passion and that’s the energy that makes the most difference. More than concepts. You can do this and you don’t have to be perfect. That’s not possible and not the point.
Rather than trying to shut down the inner critic or analyze the emotions underneath, Kross and his colleagues suggest trying to make this simple grammatical manipulation of first person to non first person self talk. And since negative self talk is a habit often decades in the making, be prepared to practice, and practice! I have tried this myself and love it. Even writing this blog has taken this technique to a new level for me personally. I would love to hear how it works for you.
I always know where I am in my life, within my self, by looking at these three areas in my home: my closet, my desk, and my refrigerator. If I am neglecting my self in some way, or feeling overwhelmed, I’ve learned it’s time to start emptying and organizing. Bit by bit, I begin sorting and cleansing my way into a sense of control and confidence, outside and in.
According to the wisdom of Kabbalah, our home is a manifestation of our soul — a place to park our soul at the end of the day. We want to use our home as a reminder of how our consciousness should be. It’s up to us to create the energy in the home and to make it a reflection of us. Creating balance and order around us helps us do the same in our consciousness. Author and home organizer, Regina Leeds, puts it more bluntly, "Your crap and your clutter is what's going on inside of you." Don’t we all know and feel that!
This month, nearly every major publication and network is talking about author, Marie Kondo and her Tidying Up series on Netflix. Who doesn’t agree that tidiness makes us feel better? And yet many do not grasp the extent, and the far reaching impact positive impact of decluttering? So what are the benefits of creating order in our home? And what is the best approach to declutter with joy and balance (and that we can sustain)?
The Psychological, Spiritual and Relationship Benefits of Tidying Up
We know it from experience, but research confirms that those who move from clutter to tidiness experience not only a decrease in stress but an increase in their ability to process information and to focus on their goals. Order also helps us feel more creative, hopeful and more confident we can achieve our potential.
Order can awaken it’s own brand of simple joy. We find a serenity that comes with less stuff. The key is balance. While it can be a happy and beautiful experience to buy a new dress or gadget, or to treasure a sentimental item, there’s a flip side to “too much” and not being sensitive to how each item affects us. Without balance, and developing what Marie Kondo describes as an empathic sense of what sparks joy, we can stuff ourselves into emptiness and guilt.
Even if it doesn’t reach the proportion of a full blown hoarding crisis, too much stuff can easily become an addiction, a distraction, an escape from connecting with our bodies, our loved ones, our pain, our self and the truth within our soul. We are energy seekers by nature, and in a consumer society, it’s easy to turn to the illusionary solution of accumulating more stuff when it’s something much deeper that brings lasting joy. Decluttering opens up the space to connect from within—or as my daughter, Andrea Glik, LMSW, likes to say, “come home to yourself.”
In our relationships, chaos in our environment can easily get in the way. In large part because it’s harder to connect with ourselves much less another. Ask anyone with young children about this one. I remember that time in our life, back in the day, and listen to the struggles of many young couples who can’t seem to catch up. Not only from the hectic and relentless running around of those little joy machines, but just from the mess and disorder itself. It can be difficult to find that open space to connect. The key is finding a way to make the tidying up process light and fun, and not just on the shoulders of one person. It’s about creating an attitude of empathy, gratitude, and mutual care towards your home, your items, and especially the people with whom you live and love. So now let’s talk about the how …
Best Practices for Tidying Up
According to Marie Kondo’s Konmari method, she recommends the following rules:
RULE 1: Commit yourself to tidying up.
RULE 2: Imagine your ideal lifestyle.
RULE 3: Finish discarding first.
RULE 4: Tidy by category, not by location (e.g.,clothing, books, papers, kitchen/bath, sentimental)
RULE 5: Follow the right order.
RULE 6: Ask yourself if it sparks joy.
Here are 7 Tips to not only help make the tidying up more joyful but also SUSTAINABLE:
1. ACCEPT YOUR OWN RHYTHM
Make perfectionism the first thing you discard. Each person is unique and that’s in the beautiful design of our universe. While some decide to make the clearing and tidying process an intense and concentrated project, I find that each person needs to find the rhythm that works for them.
As most of us do, I wear many hats and I continue to make choices that demand from me, stretch me and require constant change. This makes my days and sometimes evenings quite full. That being said, I can’t say that full time organizer fits in my hat closet. So what works for me is to grab snippets of time wherever I can. One fridge-drawer here, one under-the-sink-cabinet there. Maybe it’s the sock drawer before work and the underwear drawer after. Usually mornings work better for me because clearing out and tidying up often requires more decision-making energy than we realize. Sometimes there’s a time for going all in and devoting full days, but I don’t recommend the all or nothing mindset.
2. MAINTAIN BALANCE
While a neat house reflects a person who takes good care of themselves, too neat can show obsession or lack of presence or warmth. I suggest reflecting within, using the extremes of “mess” and “over-neat,” as a gauge for where you are.
3. CREATE A SPACE THAT REFLECTS YOU
Our home should be a reflection of us, not who we think we should be or what others think. When decorating, organizing and tidying, ask yourself, “IS THIS ME?”
4. AWAKEN MINDFULNESS AND COMPASSION
The Kanmari method is most well known for the invitation to ask oneself, “Does this item awaken sparks of joy?” Answering that question requires listening within and being present in the moment without any judgement about what you might hear. Try inviting self-compassion and self-acceptance, right where you are now. Also consider carefully you’re personality and attention style. Some are organically orderly in their way of processing information and life. Others are more expansive in their attention span, and this can affect your relationship with the space around you. So please be gentle with yourself if consistency and keeping order is naturally a struggle.
5. WORK ON LETTING GO—OF ITEMS AND EMOTIONS
When cleaning out our things, its a powerful opportunity to listen to our feelings, especially when we find ourselves having difficulty letting go of items. Pause, take a few deep breaths and pay attention within to the emotions the item brings up or what you’re feeling at the very idea of discarding it. The idea isn’t to feel forced to give precious things away. We must honor our truth when it’s useful, authentic, joyful or meaningful for us to keep an item in our home, in our life.
That being said, oftentimes we hold onto things for less than joy-sustaining reasons. For example, you might feel guilt for not having used an item enough, or fear of not having what you need at a later time. Maybe your ego voice is bombarding you with should’s or I need this to feel good enough. Remind yourself, You are always enough. Sometimes we don’t let go of an item because we don’t realize the drain on our consciousness that keeping it really causes, especially if it’s from a person we need to move on from or some other aspect of our past.
You might need to add soothing and cleansing rituals to support your tidying journey, especially to make it a way of life. Examples include: opening a window, lighting a candle, burning sage, spraying essential oils. If you’re really struggling to let go, a counselor or close friend might offer the support and strength you need. Whatever it takes to help you LET GO— whether of the items that do not spark joy or the emotions that keep you stuck. Remember, on the other side of letting go awaits your new and more joyful, loving, and authentic life.
6. SAY THANK YOU
Every living thing or object contains sparks of the Light of Creation itself. Many spiritual pathsteach this beautiful idea. When clearing items away, I love the idea of openly thanking the item for however it served you before you say goodbye. This can assist with the letting go and moving forward into your present life, with newly refreshed goals and dreams.
7. TIDY WITH RESPECT AND UNITY IN MIND
One of the gifts Marie Kondo brings to tidying up is the unconditional respect and acceptance she injects into the process— towards the tossed away items themselves, towards oneself and towards the others in the home.
In the Down-sizers episode, Marie shares, “It’s very important when you’re tidying to respect each other. Having a family of my own, and being a mother and I think the things in our house and all the family members in a home kind of function the same way. We each play a role and we only have a limited amount of space and we all need each other.”
Whether it’s about who does more or who makes more, or maybe it’s who works the hardest or who is in better shape. The bottom line is that while couples yearn to come together as one, the human ego has a pesky way of allowing competition to invade the safe haven needed for love to deepen and grow. Here are some common competitive scenarios I hear about:
Regardless of what our external environment naturally dictates — whether it’s the harsh winter or any other challenge in life — with the right tools, we have the inherent capacity to become the cause of our own well being and happiness — true leaders, if you will. The key is SELF CARE ... that empowers your body, your mind, and your spirit.
As Mitch Prinstein, a psychologist at University of North Carolina, puts it in his interview with Psychology Today, “Social media has created a life-long adolescence.” The best news of all is that we have a choice in the matter and possess within us everything we need to“feel good in our own skin and be happy with who we are.”
Self-love and acceptance influence our peace of mind and joy far beyond our typical understanding and starts first with identifying what is going on in our heads. We often don’t even realize our inner thoughts and the way we talk to our selves about our bodies, and this leaves us vulnerable; we can’t change what we can’t see. A common term among body positive writers is “It’s our mind that bullies our body.”
As counter-intuitive as it might feel, we benefit greatly from challenges — especially once we ACCEPT AND EMBRACE FRICTION as a tool to grow stronger within ourselves, to become better people and ultimately to build the real love and unity we so yearn to share with others. Here are 7 tips and considerations when approaching difficult conversations with sensitive people (or sensitive conversations with difficult people).
Living authentically is not for the faint of heart. It can be scary and vulnerable to address our emotions and frailties, to look at ourselves honestly and to be more real with the people in our lives. That being said, not addressing our emotional side, along with not being true to ourselves, comes with a heavy burden — on our mental health as well as on the fulfillment and satisfaction within our souls.
