Retail Therapy: Can Shopping Really Be Therapeutic?

“Retail therapy” is often joked about, typically laced with a hint of guilt from seeing shopping as a vice, a weakness, an escape, a consolation from failure or rejection, or perhaps an addiction. No doubt, some of these are all too true. However, as many stores have reopened, after months of quarantine, we are seeing more keenly how a classic shopping spree can actually be good for you. And hey, I’m not just saying this because my husband is a thoroughbred in a 5th generation family clothing business.

I clearly believe that making a purchase should and can never replace therapies and life endeavors that help us heal and feel fulfilled long term. Yet, we shouldn’t dismiss some of the mood lifting and positives that give the term retail therapy an actual backbone.

SOME POSITIVES

Here are some therapeutic benefits of shopping, of course keeping in mind moderation and spending within your means.

Awakening Kindness, Towards Yourself and Others

Especially if you allow yourself to receive without shame, treating yourself to an item that brings you joy can be an act of self care and kindness.  What we know about self kindness is that it creates the foundation for our capacity and desire to show kindness to others. 

Relieving Stress

Any action in which we engage, when fully present, allows our nervous system to regulate and relax.  There’s a term I love that Deb Dana coined in her book “They Polyvagal Theory in Therapy,” called glimmers.  These are experiences that help us feel safe and connected.  For many, shopping makes their glimmer list. Retail shopping can be useful and empowering especially when framed as a tool when triggered. To learn more about triggers and glimmers, Andrea Glik, LMSW writes a succinct summary in her blog, “The Nervous System, Triggers and Glimmers!”

Gaining Control

With so much happening over which we can feel little control, in our world and in our lives, the power in making a consumer choice can tip us into the empowerment side of our human experience.  Once we feel more in control from shopping, this can shift our consciousness as we approach and face the challenges in our lives. 

Engaging in Creativity, Aestheticism and Self Expression

Art and creativity provide a unique pleasure of their own and lift our spirits.  Shopping for clothing can be a creative experience and expression of yourself.  A piece of clothing opens gates for creating outfits, thinking of future events to which you might wear it, for ways you can express your ever-changing self. Some of our purchases can also serve as a gateway to other creative outlets.  For example, if we purchase cooking, gardening or carpentry equipment, the possibilities become endless.  

Human Connection

Entering the marketplace is often much more than simply making a purchase. We are tribal, social creatures and we seek every which way to make a connection.  Whether it’s shopping with your mom, child or friend, meeting new people as you shop, or getting the feel of a town you’re in as you shop shoulder to shoulder, we fill up by being with and around people.  Shopping online is fine, but cannot replace the brick, mortar and human experience.

Ritual to Mark Milestones and Transitions

Let’s start with back-to-school shopping.  What a marker of growth and new beginnings.  Maybe it’s for a wedding, or a new job, or even a traditional practice of shopping for a holiday.  All of these can come with warmth and joy, helping us to make memories and feel connected and safe with what’s familiar. Many find buying new items as a therapeutic tool when transitioning in life, whether that be a divorce (e.g., new bedding), going off to college or moving into a different career or personal stage in life. 

STAYING BALANCED

I would feel remiss if I didn’t spend a little bit of real estate here on tips for protecting yourself from the peril of consumption, of turning outside oneself for fleeting and quick fix happiness.  We all know this on some level, but it can take great effort to seek fulfillment internally versus externally. Here are some tips to keep from contaminating your retail therapy behaviors. 

Consciousness is key. Claim the Why in your shopping.  

Perusing the list above, see what stands out to you as some of the positive reasons shopping is joyful for you.  Then, let that intention permeate your mind and heart. This way, your shopping rises into the proactive versus reactive category. Decide “the why” that serves you best long term.  

For example, we know that the better our mood is, and the better we feel in our bodies and about ourselves, we feel lighter, more connected to our power and more likely to shine our light to the world. So when shopping for yourself, keep awareness of the perpetuity in your indulgence, making it directed also towards being more sharing with others.  

Set Some Limits

Whether that be about time or money, emotional or physical energy, decide ahead of time what feels like a balanced degree of emphasis on your shopping. We enjoy the benefits to the degree that we don’t lose total control. 

Shop For Others

We can counterbalance the addictive perilous effects of shopping by channeling our love of consumption towards sharing with others. It’s a win win.

Check Yourself for Signs of Shopaholism (Compulsive Spending)

We are all at risk as human beings for allowing people and things to become our source, to become compulsive with those things that bring us physical pleasure.  Journaling, pausing, listening within, speaking with a friend or therapist can help to monitor your own sense of balance.  Check out this article from Psychology today for a checklist of signs to see if your spending is out of control.

Let Yourself Receive

Many have great shame in wanting and receiving in life. There’s no blessing in anything that we have when we feel guilty about it. Let yourself enjoy the experience, don’t feel guilt. The shame only makes us feel empty and then makes us more likely to try and fill up the void with more things.

Social Media Identity Syndrome: How to Create Boundaries With Your Online Identity and Live Your Most Authentic Life

With social media growing as a tool to promote oneself and connect with others, many are finding themselves out of balance from the experience of building a public persona. I like to call this “Social Media Identity Syndrome.” To begin with, we are wired and socialized to care about how others perceive us.  Today’s constant exposure to the opinions of the external world—by way of likes, comments, followers—puts us at greater risk for losing touch with the visceral experience of being an authentic human being, and having real and personal connections (especially with ourselves).

Yes, social media is a fact of life in the 21st century, a positive fact even—in business and marketing, and in our social and spiritual arenas. But too much of a social media identity can take a toll on our time, the quality of our lives and our relationship with who we are. So how can we navigate the boundaries of a social media identity and stay balanced? How can we express and expose ourselves on social media—share wisdom and stay relevant—and at the same time safeguard against FOPO (Fear of Other People’s Opinion), which social media savagely feeds? 

Step 1: Know Thyself: A Social Media Identity Syndrome Questionnaire (SMISQ)

Understanding the potential side effects of building your public persona offers a baseline from which to check yourself. Ask yourself honestly, “How many of these dangers ring a bell?” (Big DING if it resonates, little ding if there’s a hint of truth.)

1. Do you find yourself spending too much time crafting your posts at the expense of spending quality time on what you value most? 

2. Do you find yourself frequently, and repeatedly, checking the reactions to what you’ve posted? Or what others have posted?

3. Do you find the quality of your here-and-now experiences diminished from being preoccupied with making sure you document what is happening and with whom?

4. Do you find yourself distracted and having a harder time being in the present, being still and comfortable in your own skin?

5. Do you notice your self worth going up and down the ladder based on the responses to your posts? 

6. Do you feel guilty, anxious or FOMO (fear of missing out) if you don’t post?

7. Do you struggle with comparing yourself with other social media handles—what they’re posting or doing in their lives? 

8. Do you rethink or doubt how you are living your life and the choices you are making based on what you see others doing or posting?

9. Do you feel less at peace with yourself, or perhaps empty inside, after posting or perusing others’ posts? 

Step 2: Create Good Boundaries Between the Real You and Your Social Media Identity

Here are some simple (not necessarily easy) tips to encourage living your life and connecting with others based on your authentic self (and protect yourself from the identity-eating social media monster).

PAUSE BEFORE POSTING, IDENTIFY YOUR “WHY.” 

Take a deep slow breath and check your consciousness, continually.  Ask and re-ask yourself the questions from the questionnaire above. Are you posting for external validation, to impress, to feel more worthy or respected by others? Or are you posting because it’s in line with your personal mission or the difference you want to make, whether it’s through your words or your services? Or perhaps your “why” is to stay connected with people who are important to you? Or to express your creativity and have some fun? Base your posts on the “why’s” that feed your inner being. Your branding will come through more purely and strong.

We must fight within our minds to lead from a place of how I want to influence versus be influenced based on others’ reactions to me. When you catch yourself seeking outside validation or coming from guilt or shame, then resist that urge to post at all right then and redirect yourself toward an activity that expresses your most authentic self. Or pause and redirect your mind to a reason for posting that feels more fulfilling and true for you.

I recently reread one of my favorite books, The Secret, by Michael Berg. In this short read, he shares that the key to true happiness comes from the experience of growing more and more into a being of sharing. Before I post on my Instagram handle (or speak publicly, meet with clients or write blogs), I do my level best to remember to check in and make sure to align myself with this ultimate purpose.  Not for the outcome, or to even have an identity at all, but so that I can grow myself more into a being of sharing. That’s it, this singular focus changes everything, and is really all we need.

CREATE BOUNDARIES TO PREVENT LOSING YOURSELF

Some concrete ideas for protecting yourself from being swallowed up by the social media identity impulse include the following:

1. Resist the urge to keep checking your accounts for likes, follows, etc.; and the same for feeling the pressure to post with every experience. Take a deep breath and redirect your energy within yourself, when you feel the impulse to the external.

2. Create a true self mantra, and repeat again and again. Such as, “The power within me is greater than I can ever imagine. All I need, the wisdom, the guidance, the blessings can be found within, not outside of me.” or “I am safe to be who I really am. The joy and fulfillment I seek comes from living the truth of my inner being.”

3. Be Yourself, on and off the screen. Take the risk of being naturally you and expose who you are as a real person. Our daughter, Andrea, aka @somaticwitch, told me yesterday that she tries to keep it more personal by using her first name as much as she can. Though it’s a professional handle, it helps to interact in ways that keep her feeling like a human not a brand.

4. Nourish what keeps you grounded and fulfilled. Make your list of “Something in my life is not right unless I’m  ____________________.

   As an example, for me, “Something in my life is not right unless I’m… running, writing poetry, baking, studying Kabbalah, journaling, reading before bed, immersing in nature, listening to music up loud in my house, stretching, making new friends, time with my family.” You can check out this list of resources I use for myself and clients as a good starting off point to identify what it is that makes you feel whole, connected and alive in your own skin.

Sending my well wishes from me to you,

Rachel, aka @counselor4soulsearchers

Do You Have A Problem With Your Phone? The Benefits of Unplugging

As I gather the items I need to write this blog—my glasses, computer, glass of water— I watch myself grab for my phone.  There is nothing that I need on that device right now.  Other than the experiential example of what so many of us find all day and all night— that our phones have become an appendage, what co-author Russell Clayton of the University of Missouri describes as “The Extended Self.”

Of course, I’m not here to say we shouldn’t have phones. That would be ridiculous, given the tremendous benefits they provide and the reality of the species-level transformation that a life “plugged in” has created.  At the same time, we shouldn’t just throw our hands up (or our faces down). We have reached a dangerous level of tolerance for our phone dependence, our egos normalizing by way of joking, avoiding, resigning. 

I always like to write about what is real and true for me, and I know that my relationship with my phone often serves as a barometer for my relationship with myself, and my love for life. The truth is that when we cross over the line and our phone use becomes a problem, there are dangerous implications for our brains and our bodies, for our mental health and relationships, for our capacity to create true happiness and to enjoy the blessings we are meant to receive as a soul.

I have learned from the wisdom of Kabbalah that where our attention goes is exactly where we go, this is who we become. So how can we tell if we are placing too much of our attention in our phones? How can we tell if our phone use is a problem in our lives? I suggest 3 important steps: 

1. Educate Yourself on the criteria for and side effects of excessive phone use.

2. Observe Yourself on how your phone use affects your energy and makes you feel.

3. Unplug Yourself to create a daily and weekly sabbatical.

Let’s start with the first step, educating yourself.  According to the National Institute of Health, the criteria used for drug addiction can also be used for our mobile devices.  More specifically, take a look at this list below of indicators for a phone problem. Check off how many of these are true for you:  

• Conscious use of phones in dangerous situations or in prohibited contexts (e.g while driving)

• Excessive phone use that causes social and family conflicts and confrontations, as well as loss of interest in other shared activities

• Continuing the behavior despite the negative effects and/or personal malaise it causes

• Excessive phone use causing noticeable physical, mental, social, work, or family disturbances (e.g eye strain, symptoms of withdrawal, stress, and anxiety)

• Chronic impulsiveness to check your device

• Frequent and constant checking of phone in very brief periods of time causing insomnia and sleep disturbances

• Increase in use to achieve satisfaction or relaxation or to counteract a dysphoric mood

• Excessive use, urgency, need to be connected

• Need to respond immediately to messages, preferring the cell phone to personal contact

• Abstinence, dependence, craving

• Anxiety, irritability if cell phone is not accessible, feelings of unease when unable to use it

(Front Psychiatry. 2016; 7: 175.) 

3 KEY SIDE EFFECTS: Let’s go a little deeper with our understanding of side effects from phone dependency.

1. Pleasure vs Happiness. The semantic difference between pleasure and happiness is subtle but the implications are huge, on the brain and the soul. I love this chart from a recent Business Insider article which helps us to see in the brain how pleasure seeking activities, like excessive phone us, create short term highs (dopamine) while fulfillment seeking activities generate farther reaching and more lasting contentment (serotonin). Phone use taps into our already vulnerable tendency to seek short term, pleasure-seeking gratification.

2. Mindfulness. If we are having trouble keeping our attention fully in the present, taking in the world and people around us, then one culprit could be the time spent in the online world. Harvard researcher Matt Killingsworth found that happiness and being present in the moment are directly linked. We know this right? But the research is mounting that being mindful and in the present leads to greater self esteem and lower perceived anxiety and stress. When it comes to our phones and mindfulness, recent research has shown that smartphone involvement decreases our capacity for mindfulness.

3. Anxiety/Depression. Late night phone use in particular has been linked to increases in depression and declines in self esteem and coping ability. Phones OUT OF THE BEDROOM are becoming the new “buckle up for safety.” Also leaning on the depression side, a recent survey showed that those considered frequent social media users experienced 2.7 times higher rates of depression that those of less frequent users.

4. And here are some of the other the side effects: Insomnia, Inability to Focus / Complete a Task, Stress and Restlessness, Relationship Stress, Eye Strain, Neck Pain, Social Anxiety, Escapist Behavior, Dependence on Digital Validation (Newport Academy)

HEALTHY UNPLUGGING HABITS

How can we protect ourselves from the illusion that the online world is more compelling, beautiful and filled with endless routes for joy and awe than the real and messy world of nature, people, opportunities and those dreaded “pauses in between”? 

• Observe Yourself. As I mentioned above, self observation is a key step.  And please be brave and give yourself permission to be honest with yourself.  We have the answers within us and have everything to gain by putting in the effort it takes to nestle into our internal silence and listen. Here are some questions you can ask yourself: 

  • Before you go for your phone, ask yourself, do I feel empty, bored, anxious, lonely, insecure, vulnerable, restless, unworthy? What might I be trying to escape?

  • While on your phone, try pausing, taking a deep breath and ask, Is this really where I want to be right now? Is this best for me?

  • When you get off your phone, check in again. How is my energy? Do I feel happier, more fulfilled and creative, more worthy or peaceful, I am more in love with my life? Or do I feel more empty, frustrated, disappointed in myself, tired, wired, restless?

• Create Distance Between You and Your Phone (Physical and Emotional)

  We need to create boundaries. Sometimes we need a definitive structure to combat our brains’ firing temptations. Here are some ideas:

• Pick a specific bedtime for your phone, put it to bed and then LET GO.

• Buy an actual alarm clock and put your phone to bed in another room

• Create a weekly Sabbath for yourself - 24 hours with no phone. It’s a life saver.

• Feed your soul with whatever helps you connect to something bigger in life.

• Write down your offline passions like nature, crafts, people, animals, athletics, dance, music, poetry, writing a letter.  

• Partner with a friend to keep you accountable. 

• If you really need more help, you can try programs like Catherine Price’s 7 day challenge.