This Thanksgiving, whether gathered round your table or zoom, I think we could all use ways to make this year especially warm and meaningful. I personally have always felt drawn to learning my family’s history. I remember doing college projects trying to capture these dramatic stories and lessons from my grandfather. I could never hear enough about him hiding in the marshes for weeks, crossing the border when the guards changed...how he snuck on a boat, was rejected at Ellis island...how he started a life in Cuba, alone as a teenager. Through storytelling, I belonged to his courage and strength. His stories became my greatest inheritance.
According to the well known research of Robyn Fivush, "Children and adolescents who know more of their family stories show higher well-being on multiple measures, including higher self-esteem, higher academic competence, higher social competence, and fewer behavior problems." Three different kinds of stories offer profound well being benefits to children and adolescents: 1) ascending, 2) descending and 3) oscillating. Those considered oscillating, (i.e., highs and lows but with resilience to survive or triumph) offer the greatest strength for future generations. These stories help us heed the call to heal ancestral trauma, which I believe, to some degree applies to us all.
Retelling Family Stories Offers Many Benefits
KNOWING YOUR FAMILY BUILDS RESILIENCY
Individuals who know a lot about their families tend to do better when they face challenges. Stories from parents and grandparents that include their sad, angry, or distressing feelings, and how they learned to cope, allows children to learn that regulating one’s emotions is doable and some specific strategies for how. I know for me, I remember asking my mother how she handled losing her father at age 2, and on some level, her mother who then emotionally closed down. Alone after school making meals and cleaning the house, she learned to be a doer. To this day, she has a special skip in her step as she stays busy and active, cleaning, sorting, organizing, These tools I now use when I’m feeling sad or out of control.
A STRONG FAMILY NARRATIVE HOLDS A FAMILY TOGETHER
Developing a strong family narrative is a key ingredient that holds a family together, makes them effective, resilient, and happy? To increase the odds that your family will thrive for many generations to come, it is suggested to: Create, refine and retell the story of your family’s positive moments and your ability to bounce back from the difficult ones. It’s an Important kind of communication that binds families together and makes them happier ones. How you frame your family’s stories determines the degree of healthy impact they have. Again, stories that show the oscillating trials and triumphs, culminating in some kind of triumph as a family have the best impact.
AN INTERGENERATIONAL SELF FOSTERS BELONGING AND IDENTITY
When we see ourselves as part of a larger family, we develop an intergenerational self, a deep knowing that we belong to something bigger than ourselves. This has been shown to increase our confidence and self esteem. “Intergenerational stories anchor youngsters as part of a larger group, helping them develop a sense of identity. In a 2008 study, researchers at Emory quizzed 40 youngsters ages 10 to 14 on 20 family-history questions, such as how their parents met or where their grandparents grew up. Those who answered more questions correctly showed, on separate assessments, less anxiety and fewer behavior problems.” Wall Street Journal Article by Sue Shellenbarger
SELF DISCLOSING CAN SOOTHE THE PRESSURES OF YOUTH
I love telling those who aren’t sure what they want to do with their future, the story of how many times I changed my major and how late in the game I did so. Being vulnerable with your own journey, can provide a powerful antidote to all the ways society puts pressure on the outcome, instead of the truly most important part of life, the process! It’s important to self disclose your own foibles, stops along your journey, your necessary uncertainty as you put one foot in front of the other. Any story that validates that it’s OKAY TO BE YOU, in fact, the world needs you to be you. We all have a unique and sometimes circuitous way of getting there.
SHARING STORIES IMPARTS VALUES AND ROADMAPS
A good, real story shows instead of tells. When we hear a story we create an experience and this takes the message deeper.
Tips and Exercises for Creating a Family Narrative/Intergenerational Self
Now is such a good time for telling stories. Please keep in mind that it is not knowledge of these specific facts that is important – it is the process of families sharing stories about their lives that is important. Two simple (albeit deep) questions I like to ask myself are:
“What stories about my life, maybe one or two, would I want to leave with my children?”
“What can I share about my life that would represent the ancestor I want to be?”
20 QUESTIONS
Developed by Robyn Fivush and Marshall Duke, Here’s the “Do You Know…?” scale sometimes called “The 20 Questions” that tap into different kinds of family stories. These questions are designed as a starting point for sharing family stories. So these questions are a way to begin to ask and to tell, and to begin a family tradition of sharing the stories of our lives.
While some stories reflect deep and serious experiences, it’s it’s also good to tell funny, light stories too!
Do you know how your parents met?
Do you know where your mother grew up?
Do you know where your father grew up?
Do you know where some of your grandparents grew up?
Do you know where some of your grandparents met?
Do you know where your parents were married?
Do you know what went on when you were being born?
Do you know the source of your name?
Do you know some things about what happened when your brothers or sisters were being born?
Do you know which person in your family you look most like?
Do you know which person in the family you act most like?
Do you know some of the illnesses and injuries that your parents experienced when they were younger?
Do you know some of the lessons that your parents learned from good or bad experiences?
Do you know some things that happened to your mom or dad when they were in school?
Do you know the national background of your family (such as English, German, Russian, etc.)?
Do you know some of the jobs that your parents had when they were young?
Do you know some awards that your parents received when they were young?
Do you know the names of the schools that your mom went to?
Do you know the names of the schools that your dad went to?
Do you know about a relative whose face “froze” in a grumpy position because he or she did not smile enough?
Year after year, I share tools for balance and self care as holiday stress and dynamics approach. This year, the need is even greater but the triggers are different, opposite in a way. Rather than the anticipation of overwhelm from being over-scheduled and anxiety about spending time with (certain) family members, what seems to be most distressing, and depressing, is what a recent Bloomberg article described as “a lonely fall and winter, devoid of the rituals and gatherings that give the season its emotional resonance.”
The fall and winter arms of this pandemic have begun to grab hold, creating an added heaviness to an already distressed emotional system. If you’re struggling, please know you are not alone, and the last thing anyone feeling depressed or anxious needs is to spin into a shame spiral. With *World Mental Health Day coming up on October 10th, and as someone who firmly believes that challenging experiences can awaken positive change, I am especially excited to share some thoughts for these upcoming holidays that I hope will soothe and inspire. Here are 3 ideas to consider:
1. CREATE A “GLIMMER” PRACTICE
Glimmers are what Deb Dana describes as the experiences, people, spaces, and often micro moments in our day, that make us feel emotionally safe, warm and connected. “Connected” can mean to self, nature and others, and I would include to something spiritual, larger than ourselves.
Triggers, a widely familiar term, are the opposite and based on cues of danger. As trauma therapist, Andrea Glik, describes, “Glimmers are what bring us back into our window of tolerance and safety (cue of safety).” We often don’t realize the emotional glimmers right under our noses.
I cannot encourage enough the practice of mapping out our glimmers, and cleaving to them.
A glimmer can be awakened from a familiar person, listening to music, sharing kindness, a good belly laugh, yummy food, cuddling an animal, studying spiritual wisdom, moving your body, thinking of blessings, feeling heard, writing a card, zooming with friends, making your bed, baking, stretching, walking in nature, breathing.
Your personal list is what’s most important. This year, we especially need to create personal boundaries for a new normal, a structure for self care habits. Yes, we have less access to in person connections and activities during the pandemic, and it can take more effort, but ultimately by seizing what we do have control over, this is how we create our life and take charge of who we want to be.
2. LET YOURSELF GRIEVE, AND GROW
We need to feel all the feels—especially now, lest we brew up suppression’s nasty poison. Since early March, to some degree or another, we have lived in a state of crisis, loss, distress and trauma. It’s especially challenging when we don't see a clear end in sight. And yet, the key is making sure that we take care of our sadness, our frustration, our fears, any feelings of pain we face, and that we turn these INTO GROWTH!
I was so happy to hear spiritual teacher, Monica Berg, recently speak to thousands of people about the concept of posttraumatic growth. There is a 25 year body of research pointing to the variables that help us emerge stronger, more appreciative, from challenge and suffering. Well summarized in a recent Harvard Business Review article, researchers of trauma have found five elements that tend to facilitate posttraumatic growth (defined as positive personality change and growth following traumatic life events). The 5 elements include:
educating oneself about trauma and its impact on our core belief system and the nervous system
learning to regulate our strong emotions
talking to someone about it
writing our (empowerment) story
service, taking action to benefits others
3. CONSIDER THESE SELF CARE QUESTIONS for the holidays:
Whatever it is that I am facing this fall and winter, what are my favorite glimmers? What do I already know about me that helps me feel grounded, connected, safe and alive?
What time of day do I feel the most vulnerable to sadness or anxiety? (Pay special attention to proactive self care during these times.)
How can I be creative during the holidays to stay connected to people and experiences that feel safe and warm?
How might I make these holidays a chance for personal greatness, growth, kindness and gratitude? Which of the 5 elements above that facilitate growth can I invest in more?
What additional support might I seek if I were to be most self loving and proactive? (Maybe it’s reaching back out to your counselor or finding a new one. How about learning more about turning trauma into growth. Perhaps letting safe friends and family know you are struggling and might need extra care and support.)
How can I take a simple step to share love with or show kindness to someone I know or don’t know? (Helping others can be the best way to help yourself. Maybe set up a zoom party for someone you know who is feeling down and hopeless.)
*For more on tools and strategies for mental health challenges, please see my earlier blog, Overcoming Anxiety Disorders and Depression with suggestions for small steps to be proactive, for your body, mind, heart and spirit. And please please don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
“Retail therapy” is often joked about, typically laced with a hint of guilt from seeing shopping as a vice, a weakness, an escape, a consolation from failure or rejection, or perhaps an addiction. No doubt, some of these are all too true. However, as many stores have reopened, after months of quarantine, we are seeing more keenly how a classic shopping spree can actually be good for you. And hey, I’m not just saying this because my husband is a thoroughbred in a 5th generation family clothing business.
I clearly believe that making a purchase should and can never replace therapies and life endeavors that help us heal and feel fulfilled long term. Yet, we shouldn’t dismiss some of the mood lifting and positives that give the term retail therapy an actual backbone.
SOME POSITIVES
Here are some therapeutic benefits of shopping, of course keeping in mind moderation and spending within your means.
Awakening Kindness, Towards Yourself and Others
Especially if you allow yourself to receive without shame, treating yourself to an item that brings you joy can be an act of self care and kindness. What we know about self kindness is that it creates the foundation for our capacity and desire to show kindness to others.
Relieving Stress
Any action in which we engage, when fully present, allows our nervous system to regulate and relax. There’s a term I love that Deb Dana coined in her book “They Polyvagal Theory in Therapy,” called glimmers. These are experiences that help us feel safe and connected. For many, shopping makes their glimmer list. Retail shopping can be useful and empowering especially when framed as a tool when triggered. To learn more about triggers and glimmers, Andrea Glik, LMSW writes a succinct summary in her blog, “The Nervous System, Triggers and Glimmers!”
Gaining Control
With so much happening over which we can feel little control, in our world and in our lives, the power in making a consumer choice can tip us into the empowerment side of our human experience. Once we feel more in control from shopping, this can shift our consciousness as we approach and face the challenges in our lives.
Engaging in Creativity, Aestheticism and Self Expression
Art and creativity provide a unique pleasure of their own and lift our spirits. Shopping for clothing can be a creative experience and expression of yourself. A piece of clothing opens gates for creating outfits, thinking of future events to which you might wear it, for ways you can express your ever-changing self. Some of our purchases can also serve as a gateway to other creative outlets. For example, if we purchase cooking, gardening or carpentry equipment, the possibilities become endless.
Human Connection
Entering the marketplace is often much more than simply making a purchase. We are tribal, social creatures and we seek every which way to make a connection. Whether it’s shopping with your mom, child or friend, meeting new people as you shop, or getting the feel of a town you’re in as you shop shoulder to shoulder, we fill up by being with and around people. Shopping online is fine, but cannot replace the brick, mortar and human experience.
Ritual to Mark Milestones and Transitions
Let’s start with back-to-school shopping. What a marker of growth and new beginnings. Maybe it’s for a wedding, or a new job, or even a traditional practice of shopping for a holiday. All of these can come with warmth and joy, helping us to make memories and feel connected and safe with what’s familiar. Many find buying new items as a therapeutic tool when transitioning in life, whether that be a divorce (e.g., new bedding), going off to college or moving into a different career or personal stage in life.
STAYING BALANCED
I would feel remiss if I didn’t spend a little bit of real estate here on tips for protecting yourself from the peril of consumption, of turning outside oneself for fleeting and quick fix happiness. We all know this on some level, but it can take great effort to seek fulfillment internally versus externally. Here are some tips to keep from contaminating your retail therapy behaviors.
Consciousness is key. Claim the Why in your shopping.
Perusing the list above, see what stands out to you as some of the positive reasons shopping is joyful for you. Then, let that intention permeate your mind and heart. This way, your shopping rises into the proactive versus reactive category. Decide “the why” that serves you best long term.
For example, we know that the better our mood is, and the better we feel in our bodies and about ourselves, we feel lighter, more connected to our power and more likely to shine our light to the world. So when shopping for yourself, keep awareness of the perpetuity in your indulgence, making it directed also towards being more sharing with others.
Set Some Limits
Whether that be about time or money, emotional or physical energy, decide ahead of time what feels like a balanced degree of emphasis on your shopping. We enjoy the benefits to the degree that we don’t lose total control.
Shop For Others
We can counterbalance the addictive perilous effects of shopping by channeling our love of consumption towards sharing with others. It’s a win win.
Check Yourself for Signs of Shopaholism (Compulsive Spending)
We are all at risk as human beings for allowing people and things to become our source, to become compulsive with those things that bring us physical pleasure. Journaling, pausing, listening within, speaking with a friend or therapist can help to monitor your own sense of balance. Check out this article from Psychology today for a checklist of signs to see if your spending is out of control.
Let Yourself Receive
Many have great shame in wanting and receiving in life. There’s no blessing in anything that we have when we feel guilty about it. Let yourself enjoy the experience, don’t feel guilt. The shame only makes us feel empty and then makes us more likely to try and fill up the void with more things.
So who doesn’t believe in positive thoughts, in leading life from an optimistic outlook? More than just a good idea, research now confirms that we can say, “Our life depends on it!” Recent longitudinal studies have tied greater optimism to a lower risk of developing heart disease and other chronic ailments. Greater optimism has also been shown to correlate with living longer.
With social media growing as a tool to promote oneself and connect with others, many are finding themselves out of balance from the experience of building a public persona. I like to call this “Social Media Identity Syndrome.” To begin with, we are wired and socialized to care about how others perceive us. Today’s constant exposure to the opinions of the external world—by way of likes, comments, followers—puts us at greater risk for losing touch with the visceral experience of being an authentic human being, and having real and personal connections (especially with ourselves).
Yes, social media is a fact of life in the 21st century, a positive fact even—in business and marketing, and in our social and spiritual arenas. But too much of a social media identity can take a toll on our time, the quality of our lives and our relationship with who we are. So how can we navigate the boundaries of a social media identity and stay balanced? How can we express and expose ourselves on social media—share wisdom and stay relevant—and at the same time safeguard against FOPO (Fear of Other People’s Opinion), which social media savagely feeds?
Step 1: Know Thyself: A Social Media Identity Syndrome Questionnaire (SMISQ)
Understanding the potential side effects of building your public persona offers a baseline from which to check yourself. Ask yourself honestly, “How many of these dangers ring a bell?” (Big DING if it resonates, little ding if there’s a hint of truth.)
Do you find yourself spending too much time crafting your posts at the expense of spending quality time on what you value most?
Do you find yourself frequently, and repeatedly, checking the reactions to what you’ve posted? Or what others have posted?
Do you find the quality of your here-and-now experiences diminished from being preoccupied with making sure you document what is happening and with whom?
Do you find yourself distracted and having a harder time being in the present, being still and comfortable in your own skin?
Do you notice your self worth going up and down the ladder based on the responses to your posts?
Do you feel guilty, anxious or FOMO (fear of missing out) if you don’t post?
Do you struggle with comparing yourself with other social media handles—what they’re posting or doing in their lives?
Do you rethink or doubt how you are living your life and the choices you are making based on what you see others doing or posting?
Do you feel less at peace with yourself, or perhaps empty inside, after posting or perusing others’ posts?
Step 2: Create Good Boundaries Between the Real You and Your Social Media Identity
Here are some simple (not necessarily easy) tips to encourage living your life and connecting with others based on your authentic self (and protect yourself from the identity-eating social media monster).
PAUSE BEFORE POSTING, IDENTIFY YOUR “WHY.”
Take a deep slow breath and check your consciousness, continually. Ask and re-ask yourself the questions from the questionnaire above. Are you posting for external validation, to impress, to feel more worthy or respected by others? Or are you posting because it’s in line with your personal mission or the difference you want to make, whether it’s through your words or your services? Or perhaps your “why” is to stay connected with people who are important to you? Or to express your creativity and have some fun? Base your posts on the “why’s” that feed your inner being. Your branding will come through more purely and strong.
We must fight within our minds to lead from a place of how I want to influence versus be influenced based on others’ reactions to me. When you catch yourself seeking outside validation or coming from guilt or shame, then resist that urge to post at all right then and redirect yourself toward an activity that expresses your most authentic self. Or pause and redirect your mind to a reason for posting that feels more fulfilling and true for you.
I recently reread one of my favorite books, The Secret, by Michael Berg. In this short read, he shares that the key to true happiness comes from the experience of growing more and more into a being of sharing. Before I post on my Instagram handle (or speak publicly, meet with clients or write blogs), I do my level best to remember to check in and make sure to align myself with this ultimate purpose. Not for the outcome, or to even have an identity at all, but so that I can grow myself more into a being of sharing. That’s it, this singular focus changes everything, and is really all we need.
CREATE BOUNDARIES TO PREVENT LOSING YOURSELF
Some concrete ideas for protecting yourself from being swallowed up by the social media identity impulse include the following:
Resist the urge to keep checking your accounts for likes, follows, etc.; and the same for feeling the pressure to post with every experience. Take a deep breath and redirect your energy within yourself, when you feel the impulse to the external.
Create a true self mantra, and repeat again and again. Such as, “The power within me is greater than I can ever imagine. All I need, the wisdom, the guidance, the blessings can be found within, not outside of me.” or “I am safe to be who I really am. The joy and fulfillment I seek comes from living the truth of my inner being.”
Be Yourself, on and off the screen. Take the risk of being naturally you and expose who you are as a real person. Our daughter, Andrea, aka @somaticwitch, told me yesterday that she tries to keep it more personal by using her first name as much as she can. Though it’s a professional handle, it helps to interact in ways that keep her feeling like a human not a brand.
Nourish what keeps you grounded and fulfilled. Make your list of “Something in my life is not right unless I’m ____________________.
As an example, for me, “Something in my life is not right unless I’m… running, writing poetry, baking, studying Kabbalah, journaling, reading before bed, immersing in nature, listening to music up loud in my house, stretching, making new friends, time with my family.” You can check out this list of resources I use for myself and clients as a good starting off point to identify what it is that makes you feel whole, connected and alive in your own skin.
Sending my well wishes from me to you,
Rachel, aka @counselor4soulsearchers
Around challenging family members, we tend to go into self preservation mode and lose conscious awareness. It’s essential for our healing and personal power to build the muscle for being present within. Before we talk about some tips for the strained relationship, here are 6 self care suggestions to consider starting with KNOW YOUR HEART.
The messages we want to send our children (and the ones we don’t) can clearly come through the way we praise. We often don’t realize how sensitively attuned our children are to the direct and indirect messages they receive based on how we respond to their everyday challenges, triumphs, emotions and behaviors
All groups, and the people in them, benefit from a sense of belonging. Family vacations can enhance our sense of belonging, rejuvenate our spirit and provide an often needed grounding force, especially as kids take leaps toward independence.So how can we create good memories on family vacation, and at the same time avoid the mistakes that can lead to a nightmare?
What are some tips for those involved in a family business, directly or indirectly? How can families maintain their family bond amidst the often tricky dynamics of running a business? How can family members best deal with emotions that can arise when members feel a threat to their power and place in the family, or their self esteem? Here are 4 proactive ideas to consider.
Have you ever listened closely to the way you talk to your self? It can be a little scary. Most of us grossly underestimate the extent to which a critical inner voice is doing most of the talking, and the barrier that this habitual opponent creates in our lives. Now, we all need a push now and again, to hold ourselves accountable, to be better, to do better, to care more, to live in line with our values and our potential. This can include some tough love, lest we fall into the snares of an unfulfilling life ruled by complacency and instant gratification.
That being said, we must understand that we have everything to gain by protecting ourselves from the spiritual pollution of negative self talk. As my spiritual teacher, Michael Berg says, speaking negatively, which includes about ourselves “puts a shell around our soul.” And this shows up physically as well. Brain research confirms that a self attacking inner voice sets us up for anxiety and depression.
ONENESS WITH ONESELF IS THE FOUNDATION
The idea is like this: Before we can create a oneness with our dreams and desires, and a oneness with others, we must create a oneness within ourselves. Yes, we want to grow into a more loving and compassionate person. So what’s the foundation? A relationship towards oneself filled with kindness, encouragement and self love. We don’t grasp how valuable we are, simply because we exist. Appreciating our value, believing in ourselves beyond logic, this is how we grow and change best.
QUESTIONNAIRE: AWARENESS IS KEY
So let’s get practical and talk about what negative self talk can really sound like. Awareness is the first essential step. Here’s a questionnaire to help you begin identifying where you and your inner critic stand. Please be honest with yourself. Your inner critic won’t like to be discovered but your soul will be thrilled. 0=never; 1= rarely; 2=sometimes; 3=often; 4=all the time (The higher your score the more care and priority I would recommend you place on healing your self talk.)
When I listen inside, I can hear myself…
— Judging myself harshly in a way that I would NEVER speak to a friend, colleague or anyone I truly care about. (e.g., I’m so stupid; Never good enough; I look awful today; Why can’t I be more …; I’m so disorganized; I’m so bad; It’s all my fault; I did well, what a relief.)
— Comparing myself to others. (e.g. They are so much farther along than I am; Why don’t I have what they have; Well I do that better than them.)
— Repeating a message I received growing up, from someone toxic or a dynamic. (e.g., You’re so annoying; You have to make them happy or they will leave; You are not worthy of love; When you’re thin, everything will be good; That’s a hobby, not a real job.)
— Saying extreme statements about my character when disappointed in myself or a circumstance (e.g., I’m a terrible mother; I suck; I have nothing to offer; I’m blowing it.)
— Panicking when I don’t live up to a fixed identity, like a Good-Person image. (e.g., I better do this for them or they’ll think I’m unkind; Oh no, they are not going to see that I have it all together.)
— Discounting my gifts, skills and credentials. (e.g., There’s no way I can do that, I’ve never done it before; My success doesn’t feel genuine, I feel like an imposter; I’m not really that smart; I’m sure there are others who could do it better; I’ll come off like a fool.)
—Anxiously needing to resolve conflict or move forward on a project or issue. (e.g., If I don’t email right away, they’ll think I’m irresponsible; I better fix this Now; Oh gosh they will think I’m terrible, I need to explain myself.)
— Preoccupied with how I look. (e.g., Ugg I hate how my stomach looks; With these thighs I’ll never find a date.)
— Second guessing myself and my decisions, day to day and long term. (e.g., You should have done it faster; You wasted so much time; You idiot, you could have handled that so much better; Maybe my way isn’t the right way.)
— Shaming messages when I’m not perfect, approved of or make a mistake, (e.g., I have to be the best at this; They have to accept me; I just can’t make a mistake or I’m a failure; shame on me for not being tougher; I better not even try because I might fail; I’m bad at the core)
ABOUT SHAME: HEALING ONE’S INNER CHILD
Before we go on, I feel we need to spend a minute on shame. Especially related to our internalized and shaming messages (#3 and #10 above), it’s important to appreciate and not judge your inner critic. Likely, to protect from feeling judged, shamed or rejected in some fundamental way by caregivers, many of us develop an attacking way of relating with oneself to protect from the shame awakened by anything that resembles failure. If we can manage to control our behavior, our bodies, our image — or judge ourself first— then we create a temporary (and illusionary) feeling of safety.
As a recent article in Psychology Today put so well, “There's one thing the inner critic doesn't offer: Room for growth. All too often it sends us back to a zone where we find ourselves safe, but also stuck.” Today we have beautiful healing approaches that gently and powerfully help us to emancipate the child within, reparent him/her to not need those coping mechanisms, and the accompanying belief systems, like the child once needed to survive. (See Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, Somatic Experiencing, Internal Family Systems, and EMDR)
THIRD PERSON SELF TALK: A TECHNIQUE FOR SELF DISTANCING
The main technique for overcoming negative self talk I want to share is a cognitive approach called SELF DISTANCING and it’s based on ground breaking research by Ethan Kross, of the University of Michigan's Emotion & Self Control Lab. By replacing the first person pronoun, I , with non-first person pronoun, You, He/She, or Our Name, we can gain emotional and psychological distance which allows us to speak to ourselves more like we would to a friend or someone we care about. Haven’t you noticed how it’s more clear when it’s about someone else’s life. Kross goes on to show that getting out of our first person mindset reduces the activation of the right amygdala, the emotional part of the brain— but at no extra cognitive expense. So this simple technique has great implications for unhooking us from the vicious cycle of negative self talk. Here’s an example of Gabriella new at giving presentations:
First Person (negative) Talk:
I am worried about giving this presentation. I’m afraid I won’t be good and powerful and that participants won’t want to continue. I’m afraid I will be a disappointment. The other presenters I respect in my field do such a good job and what if I am just not that good at it.
Third Person (affirming) Talk:
Gabriella, you can do this. You know this material and everyone who begins something new feels uncomfortable. What you will be sharing is something you deeply believe in and the most important thing is doing your best and coming from your heart. Gabriella, people will feel your passion and that’s the energy that makes the most difference. More than concepts. You can do this and you don’t have to be perfect. That’s not possible and not the point.
Rather than trying to shut down the inner critic or analyze the emotions underneath, Kross and his colleagues suggest trying to make this simple grammatical manipulation of first person to non first person self talk. And since negative self talk is a habit often decades in the making, be prepared to practice, and practice! I have tried this myself and love it. Even writing this blog has taken this technique to a new level for me personally. I would love to hear how it works for you.
Three suicides. One week. All connected to the tragic aftermath of mass shootings. I was asked to speak about survivor’s guilt today, when the loss is unthinkable, when the trauma, unimaginable. We all want to understand how we humans respond to such overwhelming pain and grief. How can we care for ourselves, Heaven forbid, to find meaning and embrace life again. How we can care for those around us?
Survivor’s guilt, a form of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), shows up much the same way that traditional PTSD does. That is, nightmares, flashbacks, sleep problems, irritability, numbness, meaninglessness and helplessness. Many develop suicidal ideation and impulses. Those who fair the most poorly and ones with a history of depression, childhood trauma, low self esteem and little social support. The trauma becomes a compounding experience and often a wake up call to deal with the root issues still wreaking havoc in one’s psyche and nervous system.
It might sound oversimplified for anyone who has experienced devastation and tragic loss, but below are some suggestions.
Counseling and mental health care are key. Every living thing has the energy of healing within, but we often need another human to hold the space to help us awaken that healing energy. Not just at the beginning, but long term, it’s imperative to have mental health check ups and regular support for un-peeling the layers of grief. We lost our nephew in 2006 and it wasn’t until 2016 that his mother realized all the layers of grief she had buried, escaping into old and outmoded coping mechanisms. Watching her embrace her recovery process 10 years later is a true testament to the resiliency we possess at the core and to the power of spiritual and personal growth.
Connected to counseling is the importance of processing, rather than suppressing emotions; and identifying and transforming the cognitive patterns and belief systems that might be feeding the guilt, depression, helplessness and despair.
Don’t be surprised if your unresolved issues show up on the table. Consider this an opportunity, not an easy one, but a true chance to excavate that which has likely weighed you down for years.
Allow yourself time to grieve. Be patient and self loving. Everyone’s process is unique and not to be judged or compared.
Self care is essential and top of the list. This could mean spending plenty of time with those you love, being in nature, caring for your body, taking your spiritual life to the next level, and all of the above to tend to the deep emotional wounds.
Lean into your routine. This can help prevent you from falling lower than you can manage and also keeps you connected to other people and the world of life around you.
Be of service as best you can. Do your best to seek meaning and purpose. Invest yourself in something you believe in, something that will add value. When we come from a place of sharing and kindness, we benefit far more than those on the “receiving” end. When empty, you might not be able to give the same as when you feel full. Yet it’s important to push yourself and go against the justifications as to why you can’t or shouldn’t share.
Deepen into your spiritual path.
When speaking about survivor’s guilt, of course, we must address the guilt aspect. Why did I survive and not them? Maybe I could have done something more? I missed opportunities while they were alive to do more, show more, give more. These feelings are common and normal responses to grief overall, but especially strong when the loss was sudden and tragic, much less violent. A powerful remedy for survival’s guilt is to understand that much of what you’re feeling is a coping mechanism to try and cover up the true vulnerability that is inherent in being a living human being, especially when it comes to deep loss. While I believe we can actually taking charge of our lives far more than most of us grasp, we must also embrace the humility that comes with that which is bigger than us. The trick is to keep our hearts open while at the same time facing our vulnerability.
Guilt is different than responsibility. Guilt weighs us down, makes us want to do less, speaks lowly messages inside our heads and demotivates us. The energy of guilt comes from a negative force and places a boulder on our back which becomes the foundation for a tower of sadness, shame, anger, and blame. Even when we do good things, but from a place of guilt, we won’t feel inspired or connected to life. Responsibility, on the other hand, while it might come with feeling the pain of our own missteps, missed opportunities or loss— the energy shifts from passive to active. From beating oneself up, to “I can do something positive now.” It’s an energy force on the side of empowerment drawn from the essence of our unlimited soul. When we give from wanting to take responsibility, we come from fullness which opens the gates to the creative mind and blessings flow. So check your thought patterns when you notice feeling guilt, and ask yourself: How can I turn this into something practical, proactive? How can I take responsibility for some aspect of my life, because I believe in myself?”
When it comes to supporting others, don’t be afraid to be vigilant about asking personal questions related to how they are doing. How are you sleeping? Do you have nightmares? What kinds of thoughts trouble you the most? Do you feel like yourself? If you feel concerned about them, be willing to set up an appointment and go with them to a counselor or psychiatrist. Sometimes we need a hand in ours to take brave steps. Be patient, knowing that grief and trauma can feel relentless. Do your best, then let go of the rest.
May we all be there for one another and may our days be filled with blessings, even amidst the pain and tragedies of life.
As I gather the items I need to write this blog—my glasses, computer, glass of water— I watch myself grab for my phone. There is nothing that I need on that device right now. Other than the experiential example of what so many of us find all day and all night— that our phones have become an appendage, what co-author Russell Clayton of the University of Missouri describes as “The Extended Self.”
Of course, I’m not here to say we shouldn’t have phones. That would be ridiculous, given the tremendous benefits they provide and the reality of the species-level transformation that a life “plugged in” has created. At the same time, we shouldn’t just throw our hands up (or our faces down). We have reached a dangerous level of tolerance for our phone dependence, our egos normalizing by way of joking, avoiding, resigning.
I always like to write about what is real and true for me, and I know that my relationship with my phone often serves as a barometer for my relationship with myself, and my love for life. The truth is that when we cross over the line and our phone use becomes a problem, there are dangerous implications for our brains and our bodies, for our mental health and relationships, for our capacity to create true happiness and to enjoy the blessings we are meant to receive as a soul.
I have learned from the wisdom of Kabbalah that where our attention goes is exactly where we go, this is who we become. So how can we tell if we are placing too much of our attention in our phones? How can we tell if our phone use is a problem in our lives? I suggest 3 important steps:
Educate Yourself on the criteria for and side effects of excessive phone use.
Observe Yourself on how your phone use affects your energy and makes you feel.
Unplug Yourself to create a daily and weekly sabbatical.
Let’s start with the first step, educating yourself. According to the National Institute of Health, the criteria used for drug addiction can also be used for our mobile devices. More specifically, take a look at this list below of indicators for a phone problem. Check off how many of these are true for you:
Conscious use of phones in dangerous situations or in prohibited contexts (e.g while driving)
Excessive phone use that causes social and family conflicts and confrontations, as well as loss of interest in other shared activities
Continuing the behavior despite the negative effects and/or personal malaise it causes
Excessive phone use causing noticeable physical, mental, social, work, or family disturbances (e.g eye strain, symptoms of withdrawal, stress, and anxiety)
Chronic impulsiveness to check your device
Frequent and constant checking of phone in very brief periods of time causing insomnia and sleep disturbances
Increase in use to achieve satisfaction or relaxation or to counteract a dysphoric mood
Excessive use, urgency, need to be connected
Need to respond immediately to messages, preferring the cell phone to personal contact
Abstinence, dependence, craving
Anxiety, irritability if cell phone is not accessible, feelings of unease when unable to use it
(Front Psychiatry. 2016; 7: 175.)
3 KEY SIDE EFFECTS: Let’s go a little deeper with our understanding of side effects from phone dependency.
Pleasure vs Happiness. The semantic difference between pleasure and happiness is subtle but the implications are huge, on the brain and the soul. I love this chart from a recent Business Insider article which helps us to see in the brain how pleasure seeking activities, like excessive phone us, create short term highs (dopamine) while fulfillment seeking activities generate farther reaching and more lasting contentment (serotonin). Phone use taps into our already vulnerable tendency to seek short term, pleasure-seeking gratification.
Mindfulness. If we are having trouble keeping our attention fully in the present, taking in the world and people around us, then one culprit could be the time spent in the online world. Harvard researcher Matt Killingsworth found that happiness and being present in the moment are directly linked. We know this right? But the research is mounting that being mindful and in the present leads to greater self esteem and lower perceived anxiety and stress. When it comes to our phones and mindfulness, recent research has shown that smartphone involvement decreases our capacity for mindfulness.
Anxiety/Depression. Late night phone use in particular has been linked to increases in depression and declines in self esteem and coping ability. Phones OUT OF THE BEDROOM are becoming the new “buckle up for safety.” Also leaning on the depression side, a recent survey showed that those considered frequent social media users experienced 2.7 times higher rates of depression that those of less frequent users.
And here are some of the other the side effects: Insomnia, Inability to Focus / Complete a Task, Stress and Restlessness, Relationship Stress, Eye Strain, Neck Pain, Social Anxiety, Escapist Behavior, Dependence on Digital Validation (Newport Academy)
HEALTHY UNPLUGGING HABITS
How can we protect ourselves from the illusion that the online world is more compelling, beautiful and filled with endless routes for joy and awe than the real and messy world of nature, people, opportunities and those dreaded “pauses in between”?
Observe Yourself. As I mentioned above, self observation is a key step. And please be brave and give yourself permission to be honest with yourself. We have the answers within us and have everything to gain by putting in the effort it takes to nestle into our internal silence and listen. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
Before you go for your phone, ask yourself, do I feel empty, bored, anxious, lonely, insecure, vulnerable, restless, unworthy? What might I be trying to escape?
While on your phone, try pausing, taking a deep breath and ask, Is this really where I want to be right now? Is this best for me?
When you get off your phone, check in again. How is my energy? Do I feel happier, more fulfilled and creative, more worthy or peaceful, I am more in love with my life? Or do I feel more empty, frustrated, disappointed in myself, tired, wired, restless?
Create Distance Between You and Your Phone (Physical and Emotional)
We need to create boundaries. Sometimes we need a definitive structure to combat our brains’ firing temptations. Here are some ideas:
Pick a specific bedtime for your phone, put it to bed and then LET GO.
Buy an actual alarm clock and put your phone to bed in another room
Create a weekly Sabbath for yourself - 24 hours with no phone. It’s a life saver.
Feed your soul with whatever helps you connect to something bigger in life.
Write down your offline passions like nature, crafts, people, animals, athletics, dance, music, poetry, writing a letter.
Partner with a friend to keep you accountable.
If you really need more help, you can try programs like Catherine Price’s 7 day challenge.
I always know where I am in my life, within my self, by looking at these three areas in my home: my closet, my desk, and my refrigerator. If I am neglecting my self in some way, or feeling overwhelmed, I’ve learned it’s time to start emptying and organizing. Bit by bit, I begin sorting and cleansing my way into a sense of control and confidence, outside and in.
According to the wisdom of Kabbalah, our home is a manifestation of our soul — a place to park our soul at the end of the day. We want to use our home as a reminder of how our consciousness should be. It’s up to us to create the energy in the home and to make it a reflection of us. Creating balance and order around us helps us do the same in our consciousness. Author and home organizer, Regina Leeds, puts it more bluntly, "Your crap and your clutter is what's going on inside of you." Don’t we all know and feel that!
This month, nearly every major publication and network is talking about author, Marie Kondo and her Tidying Up series on Netflix. Who doesn’t agree that tidiness makes us feel better? And yet many do not grasp the extent, and the far reaching impact positive impact of decluttering? So what are the benefits of creating order in our home? And what is the best approach to declutter with joy and balance (and that we can sustain)?
The Psychological, Spiritual and Relationship Benefits of Tidying Up
We know it from experience, but research confirms that those who move from clutter to tidiness experience not only a decrease in stress but an increase in their ability to process information and to focus on their goals. Order also helps us feel more creative, hopeful and more confident we can achieve our potential.
Order can awaken it’s own brand of simple joy. We find a serenity that comes with less stuff. The key is balance. While it can be a happy and beautiful experience to buy a new dress or gadget, or to treasure a sentimental item, there’s a flip side to “too much” and not being sensitive to how each item affects us. Without balance, and developing what Marie Kondo describes as an empathic sense of what sparks joy, we can stuff ourselves into emptiness and guilt.
Even if it doesn’t reach the proportion of a full blown hoarding crisis, too much stuff can easily become an addiction, a distraction, an escape from connecting with our bodies, our loved ones, our pain, our self and the truth within our soul. We are energy seekers by nature, and in a consumer society, it’s easy to turn to the illusionary solution of accumulating more stuff when it’s something much deeper that brings lasting joy. Decluttering opens up the space to connect from within—or as my daughter, Andrea Glik, LMSW, likes to say, “come home to yourself.”
In our relationships, chaos in our environment can easily get in the way. In large part because it’s harder to connect with ourselves much less another. Ask anyone with young children about this one. I remember that time in our life, back in the day, and listen to the struggles of many young couples who can’t seem to catch up. Not only from the hectic and relentless running around of those little joy machines, but just from the mess and disorder itself. It can be difficult to find that open space to connect. The key is finding a way to make the tidying up process light and fun, and not just on the shoulders of one person. It’s about creating an attitude of empathy, gratitude, and mutual care towards your home, your items, and especially the people with whom you live and love. So now let’s talk about the how …
Best Practices for Tidying Up
According to Marie Kondo’s Konmari method, she recommends the following rules:
RULE 1: Commit yourself to tidying up.
RULE 2: Imagine your ideal lifestyle.
RULE 3: Finish discarding first.
RULE 4: Tidy by category, not by location (e.g.,clothing, books, papers, kitchen/bath, sentimental)
RULE 5: Follow the right order.
RULE 6: Ask yourself if it sparks joy.
Here are 7 Tips to not only help make the tidying up more joyful but also SUSTAINABLE:
1. ACCEPT YOUR OWN RHYTHM
Make perfectionism the first thing you discard. Each person is unique and that’s in the beautiful design of our universe. While some decide to make the clearing and tidying process an intense and concentrated project, I find that each person needs to find the rhythm that works for them.
As most of us do, I wear many hats and I continue to make choices that demand from me, stretch me and require constant change. This makes my days and sometimes evenings quite full. That being said, I can’t say that full time organizer fits in my hat closet. So what works for me is to grab snippets of time wherever I can. One fridge-drawer here, one under-the-sink-cabinet there. Maybe it’s the sock drawer before work and the underwear drawer after. Usually mornings work better for me because clearing out and tidying up often requires more decision-making energy than we realize. Sometimes there’s a time for going all in and devoting full days, but I don’t recommend the all or nothing mindset.
2. MAINTAIN BALANCE
While a neat house reflects a person who takes good care of themselves, too neat can show obsession or lack of presence or warmth. I suggest reflecting within, using the extremes of “mess” and “over-neat,” as a gauge for where you are.
3. CREATE A SPACE THAT REFLECTS YOU
Our home should be a reflection of us, not who we think we should be or what others think. When decorating, organizing and tidying, ask yourself, “IS THIS ME?”
4. AWAKEN MINDFULNESS AND COMPASSION
The Kanmari method is most well known for the invitation to ask oneself, “Does this item awaken sparks of joy?” Answering that question requires listening within and being present in the moment without any judgement about what you might hear. Try inviting self-compassion and self-acceptance, right where you are now. Also consider carefully you’re personality and attention style. Some are organically orderly in their way of processing information and life. Others are more expansive in their attention span, and this can affect your relationship with the space around you. So please be gentle with yourself if consistency and keeping order is naturally a struggle.
5. WORK ON LETTING GO—OF ITEMS AND EMOTIONS
When cleaning out our things, its a powerful opportunity to listen to our feelings, especially when we find ourselves having difficulty letting go of items. Pause, take a few deep breaths and pay attention within to the emotions the item brings up or what you’re feeling at the very idea of discarding it. The idea isn’t to feel forced to give precious things away. We must honor our truth when it’s useful, authentic, joyful or meaningful for us to keep an item in our home, in our life.
That being said, oftentimes we hold onto things for less than joy-sustaining reasons. For example, you might feel guilt for not having used an item enough, or fear of not having what you need at a later time. Maybe your ego voice is bombarding you with should’s or I need this to feel good enough. Remind yourself, You are always enough. Sometimes we don’t let go of an item because we don’t realize the drain on our consciousness that keeping it really causes, especially if it’s from a person we need to move on from or some other aspect of our past.
You might need to add soothing and cleansing rituals to support your tidying journey, especially to make it a way of life. Examples include: opening a window, lighting a candle, burning sage, spraying essential oils. If you’re really struggling to let go, a counselor or close friend might offer the support and strength you need. Whatever it takes to help you LET GO— whether of the items that do not spark joy or the emotions that keep you stuck. Remember, on the other side of letting go awaits your new and more joyful, loving, and authentic life.
6. SAY THANK YOU
Every living thing or object contains sparks of the Light of Creation itself. Many spiritual pathsteach this beautiful idea. When clearing items away, I love the idea of openly thanking the item for however it served you before you say goodbye. This can assist with the letting go and moving forward into your present life, with newly refreshed goals and dreams.
7. TIDY WITH RESPECT AND UNITY IN MIND
One of the gifts Marie Kondo brings to tidying up is the unconditional respect and acceptance she injects into the process— towards the tossed away items themselves, towards oneself and towards the others in the home.
In the Down-sizers episode, Marie shares, “It’s very important when you’re tidying to respect each other. Having a family of my own, and being a mother and I think the things in our house and all the family members in a home kind of function the same way. We each play a role and we only have a limited amount of space and we all need each other.”
